What does one write about when the motivation to write has gone? I wish I knew!
Though is it just my motivation that is lacking? Well no, to be perfectly honest it is everything, my mind appears to have been assaulted from all sides, it is essentially under attack from the 'The Blues and Vapours Brigade', a secret adjunct to 'The Manic Monkeys', they come in the night and prefer blitz attacks.
Though I like to think of myself as a psychologically minded, enlightened creature, I have to admit to feeling slightly beaten up right now, I'm hanging in there but trying to find a way out of the maze set before me (their special type of torture) is proving rather difficult.
The mind games of 'The Blues and Vapours Brigade':
BVB: You do know that you cannot write don't you and neither do you have anything worth writing about, so stop pretending?
Me: Yes I can. I have my own blog and write other blogs and I enjoy them and so do other people actually.
BVB: Did they actually tell you that? (laughs). People say that because they don't want to hurt your feelings stupid or they feel obligated to tell you that they are good. I bet they tell you that they read them too?
Me: They do read them, I know that they do.
BVB: Only to see what sort of rubbish you write about, the dribble and utter nonsense you fill a page with. I am there with you when you are writing remember, what utter TRASH! Actually whilst I am lingering here, can I just inform you that you are utter TRASH too! I have nothing but contempt for you. Don't act all offended or surprised, I know you know this, you have always known Lisa. Oh the feeling passes doesn’t it, but low and behold, you always end up back here, with me pointing out all of your deficits and faults and flaws. Some people have a few, you have far too many, the list is endless and there is no hope of correcting any of yours. So just give up trying! You are useless, good for nothing, a person without gifts or talent. No one really cares; you think you are this kind and compassionate person.YOU ARE NOTHING!
Me: I can write, I have always been able to write and I am not trash. So I make mistakes sometimes, I even screw up from time to time but that is just being human surely. I am worth something, it may not be much right now, but I am not worthless. I feel it right now, the worthlessness, the guilt for all the mistakes I have made, the shame, but I keep telling myself that this shall pass and I know it will.
BVB: Really? You told yourself you could write because it's what your ego needed to hear. Many people can write and their outstanding writing proves this, your writing; all it proves is that you are incapable of writing, incapable of putting a sentence together. You have no initiative; you have no real imagination, no flare or spirit. You have no ability and it would be better for us all if you stopped immediately. No more! As for being worthless you are, complete and utter trash (how many more times) and I will keep repeating it until you believe it. I am not going anywhere so this will not be passing any time soon by the way.
Me: I don't believe you, this is what you do, trying to change my perceptions, infiltrate my thoughts. I am not going to let you destroy this, this is what I love and I need to continue and I know that this will pass. I am not entirely sure that it will, but I need to believe that it will. It has before and so I am hopeful that it will again.
BVB: So you think this is just about your writing? Well it's not. While I am here, residing in your pathetic mind, let’s look at 'all of you'; your personality, your relationships, your values, your beliefs, your life. There is so much for me to get my teeth into and oh let’s not forget your manic episode, that manic mind of yours, always causing trouble and consequences. Oh the joy of enlightening you, of unveiling that metaphorical curtain and letting you see the REAL YOU, the only you that has ever actually existed. You always talk about being your 'authentic self', well dear girl, now you have the unique opportunity to see your 'authentic self'.
Me: I know who I am and I am not going to let you torment and confuse me.
BVB: You don't have a choice and this isn't torment or confusion, this is the truth. You have been looking for it for a long time and now you have found it.
Me: I am not listening!
BVB: OH YES YOU ARE! You deleted your entire blog recently didn't you? Because it was TRASH! You have done other things too, including writing an email to The Bipolar Foundation explaining why you could no longer write for them. I am aware that you haven't sent it but leave that one with me, I am working on it. Do you believe that your family still love you by the way? They aren't just ever so slightly sick of you and the trouble that you bring?
Me: I never sent it and I am not going to, this period will pass. As for my family, they do love me, so leave them out of this!
BVB: Who would love you? Have you seen yourself lately? When was the last time you had a bath or washed your hair? Do they tell you that they love you? (laughs).
And so the conversation continues............................
As I am writing this blog, rather than sending that ridiculous email, I am guessing that the score right now is:
BVB: 0 - Me: 1