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It Will Get Better

Sara Berelsman

I hate myself right now. 

I hate myself every time I’m depressed.  I just started a new medication after gaining 9 pounds in a month on the previous med I tried, so I’m depressed about that on top of having general depression.  Since I’m starting over again on a new medication, I have to wait out the 4-6 weeks it can take for the medication’s full effect.  At least I’m able to get some thoughts down today.  All I’ve wanted to is sit around or lie around and exist.  I don’t even want to exist.  I don’t want to die, either, if that makes sense. 

I just can’t do anything when I’m depressed.  I can’t think straight.  Every thought is negative, and it snowballs into ten negative thoughts, and that takes me on a never-ending downward spiral.  It’s hard to get myself up and out of that.  It doesn’t really happen until the depression subsides…for the time being.  It will come back.  It always comes back.  I have to be realistic about this.  I can be hopeful, but realistic.  Right now I have no hope.  Nothing to look forward to.  There is no future in depression. That might not make sense to people who haven’t experienced it, but to people who have…you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Because of the intense pain and anguish that overtakes my mind and body, at this point I can only focus on the smallest things to soothe me.  Depression makes me cry a lot, which really is therapeutic for me.  I listen to music.  Andy rubs my back.  Sometimes I can watch a movie.  Sometimes I don’t want music or movies or any stimulation at all.  Nothing is fun right now.  I have been reading the Bible.  This is uncharacteristic of me…but it’s been helping.  I’ve been praying.

It’s times like these, and I cry whenever I think about it, that I feel like such a burden to everyone – to my husband, my kids, my parents…I hate that they care about me so much and I continually put them through this.  This is why I hate myself.  I feel guilty.  I overthink, and stew, and ruminate obsessively over every bad decision I’ve ever made.  I wonder why I can’t be better…why I can’t be different.  I think I’d be helping people if I weren’t here.

I call close friends when I really need to talk, even though I also feel like a burden to them.  But human contact does help me, because they use logic to break down these negative thoughts I’m having and point out how skewed mine are.  Maybe they are.  Right now it’s all I can think about.

Whenever I’m like this, just to hold on, I think about what I’d tell a friend in my situation.  I’d tell her not to give up, that it will get better, that it always gets better even though right now that thought is inconceivable.  I’d tell her to stop beating herself up.  I’d tell her that I know everything is hard – right now everything is so hard…but just try to complete small, manageable tasks throughout the day.  Nothing too big so that you set yourself up for failure, but maybe see if you can manage a walk around the block.  Take a bath.  Something small that might help.  But I know right now nothing seems to help.  

Taking my situation and making it third person helps me see that I am not my thoughts.  My thoughts are distorted right now because of the depression, but it will get better.  I try to think of times that it was better and focus on that, even if right now it feels like it will never be that way again.  It will be.

It will get better.

Comments

Yeah, know what you mean. It can be rough when I get depressed from time to time; mostly I stay manic most of the time though. I find what benefits me most is breaking out of my shell everyday and getting out and exercising and/or socializing. At least do something; go to the grocery store, the library, go for a walk, something. And also being with the people I love.

I am diagnosed as bipolar. My antideppresant Ive been on for years, is both helping my depression and feeding my keyed up, anxious mind. So slowly I have to come off it. I vary so much from, really depressed, to racing anxious thoughts of doom. Judgment of self, and sometimes others. I get irritated so easily, and everything is overwhelming.I find it hard to focus, and because theres a war in my head, I feel embarrased around people because I know im not myself. Its been going on in varying degrees, for 30 years, minus scattered times of well for short periods. 2 very scary bouts of postnatal depression, after each child. The battle still rages, and I am now 44. I fight, and function because I dont like the alternative. I am hopefull however, that eventually the medication, and my brain chemicals will eventually work together.This is bloody hard work, and I am so hard on myself. I judge myself because I cant keep up with my housework. This illness isnt for sissys. However, I am still fighting, and trying to learn to be kind to myself. I am blessed to have 2 beautiful teenagers. Oops, one is now 20. My greatest acheivement is bringing up my kids, despite my personal struggles, and that im still married after 21 years. Don't give up, keep fighting. God bless.

It is nice to know there are others who are feeling the same. When down I often feel similar and as significant as an ant. Having no children, parents recently passed and no friends due to moving back home; a new partner who works away and a new job packed with females who act like I'm a threat. It can be hard. Diagnosed bi polar(hypomania) at age 26, 27 years ago and in a few weeks have an assessment for adult ADHD, this I welcome as there is medication to calm it all, however I shudder if I am in realisation I should have been diagnosed as a child and maybe many episodes prevented.

Thanks for the above post, it does help xx

Thank you for this article. I needed to hear this.

I am a 37 year old woman that just been diagnosis with bi-polar one. I have been in therapy for over a year to help out with my depression and I have been taking meds. But here is the problem, my family and friends don't believe in mental illness so I have NO support from them what so ever! That make me feel more depress. I do go to NAMI groups but it is not enough. I believe that THERE NEED TO BE MORE AWARENESS on MENTAL ILLNESS. It seem to me that no one cares and it make it hard to go on day to day.
I try to do my own research about my illness but the info that I getting is telling me that it is unknown what cause bi-polar. Well how can I explain it to my family and get the support I need if I can't explain what the heck I have!!! This is Sooo frustrating. I feel soo very alone in this illness. I really do. My kids keep me going because I don't want them to be in this world without a mother. I am trying from day to day and I read my bible asking God for strength because this illness is more than I can bare. Everyday I have to play a role that I am ok when I am NOT!!! I am not ok

Sign,
Frustrated with bi-polar

Tina- We are here for you. Please e-mail us at dbrown@ibpf.org 

You are OK! But you HAVE Bipolar 1 (as i have) And you FEEL not always ok. Thats a "sign" of bipolar. The same as when some one is sick, and has a fever. Voor YOU and your family and friends i recommend a video on You Tube. Its my nr 1! http://youtu.be/fHGTuqiaAYw Its from; Dr. Patrick McKeon presents Bipolar Disorder. He gives you also some tools, its one hour and 20 minutes but its worth it(i saw it several times) When you know that i have the diagnose Bipolar 1 in 2002 and got Lithium the same year, it lasted a half a year fot a good setting. And stil i have some weeks a year that my feeling is not ok. I know, it never goes away but its no period of several months. Maybe in future there is a medicine for a whole good year through. Keep the faith!

Thank you for this site and sharing your stories. I just found it and I feel less lonely already. I've been diagnosed bi-polar, but I'm not sure it's the right diagnosis so seeing a doctor again next week - gained 25 pounds in 5 weeks on the meds!!!! I do often feel like a burden to others because I'm not able to do as I "should". Today I took a bath, washed hair, clipped nails, walked 2.5 miles and made healthy eating choices so today I get all the points. Depression - none :-)

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