Letting go can be one of the most difficult decisions you have to make in your life. Especially when it comes to people in your life that you so desperately want to care about. When you finally come to the realization that they don’t care for you nearly on the level that you care for them, you find yourself systematically following through with the stages of grief.
For me, anger is the hardest stage to get through. When all you wanted was a thank you or a good job every now and then, it’s hard not to be angry. For years and years I let my own feelings fall by the wayside and only worried about everyone else. Look where I find myself now? Estranged from all of the people that should be the first ones to be by my side when the chips are down.
Now that all of the name calling and the finger pointing is out of the way, I have decided that I am done. I will no longer place myself in unhealthy situations or toxic relationships, just because I am “supposed to”.
The people that have hurt me the most in life will continue their narrow minded view of me, my life, and my illness. I can no longer allow that to dictate whether or not I find happiness in my life. I have to be stronger than that, and I have to be stronger than their opinions of why I am not good enough. If for no other reason, than to preserve what is left of my self-esteem.
It turns out that what my real problem when dealing with people is expecting those that have no capacity for gratitude to express some. I am a sensitive person that cares far too much, and it's going to be a very hard habit to break, to stop caring about these people. Now it's time to let myself grieve the loss of what I thought they were. Despite their constant efforts to indicate that I deserve this much pain, because I only bring it on myself, I will never allow myself to believe that. I have a huge heart, and you did have a place in it, and still could have, had you not been such a cruel, heartless bunch of people.