As I was sipping a hot cup of tea in a breezy evening, for the first time, I could feel the calmness in my soul as the wind touched my face. For so long, I had been struggling to feel this way. I had never felt this way. What was this calmness? I wondered. It was as though my soul was a baby in his mommy’s lap in a deep sleep. Oh, it was the treatment. It was working. I was calm.
Bipolar disorder was with my life. It has always been this way. I was always the moody kind. Yes, I had people label me all my life. I did not care about the people but these swings kept disturbing me throughout my life. I was unable to keep my emotions normal, unable to finish my tasks. Thinking of a million awesome ideas and executing none. The shame of being so arrogant about the grand delusions, when a depressed phase struck, is beyond explanation.
However, I survived all of this. When I was in Chicago this year, I had one of the bad episodes. I had a fight and I started running on the side walk so fast that hubby was unable to see me. I was screaming in my head. As, I ran in the chilly winter breeze of Chicago, I came to a tunnel and stopped. A million things were racing through my mind. I had no idea why or what I wanted but I wanted it to stop.
As, another blast of cold wind hit me all the thoughts stopped. I started walking back. All the darkness seemed to turn to light. My husband and baby’s face came into my head. I walked trembling back to my car, which was parked near the side walk. And he came over and held me like never before.
I could feel his warmth spreading into my chest. I was falling over exhausted from running so fast and the chilly wind. I could not get up. He put me back in the car. Turned on the heating. He asked me “Why did you leave?” I said I wanted to run away from myself.
As I sit here today, I ask myself. Why did I come back? I came back because I took a decision for myself and my family today. I took a decision to get the treatment. Just after three months on this constant battle, the cold wind is not cutting through my skin. It’s the calm soothing zephyr that engulfs my soul in positivity and light.
I made a good decision, I chose to get the treatment and never back off. I am going to continue to do it. The reason is no matter how dark it gets around me, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It keeps you going. It kept me going!
Dedicated to the light of my life: My husband