September is Suicide Prevention Month. This is my story of my suicide attempt on September 12, 2014. I have chosen to share this to raise awareness – it has never been told before.
Blink. “One, two, three.” My limp body slid to the ER table. Blink. The bright light. Blink. Scissors cutting my shirt. Blink. “She’s crashing!” Black. I heard my mom’s voice, felt her touch. I could see my grandparents and my mom looking at me. “She’s not ready.” Black.
I woke up about 18 hours later. I was told I woke up earlier only to be sedated again because my behavior was erratic and I was unable to calm down. When I opened my eyes I realized I had an IV and was in a hospital bed. I had very little memory of what happened. I didn’t know how I got to where I was. Looking around I realized I was alone. There was a tall security guard standing outside my door. We made eye contact, I looked away and dozed off. I don’t know how long I was asleep for, but I woke up to a nurse saying my name. Her eyes were a deep brown, she wore a serious, but sympathetic smile. “Do you remember what happened, Laura?” I replied no. “You tried to kill yourself. You’re very lucky to be alive.” She waited for me to say something and I didn’t. We made eye contact again. “You crashed twice, once in the ambulance and once in the hospital.” I looked at the IV in my arm and closed my eyes.
I woke up a few hours later. My memory was coming back to me. I remember setting the pill bottle down on my bathroom counter. I knew my limits, even with a serious addiction. I remember not stopping from taking more. I remember taking four Percocet and four Valium. The hospital told me I had at least double if not more than that in my system when they ran the blood work. What I don’t remember is how I got to the hospital.
The person who found me chose to remain anonymous. They told me that I had called them and left a strange voicemail. By the time they reached my house my lips were blue and my breathing was shallow. After a call to 911 the local sheriff came out. He insisted I would “sleep it off,” but had medics come to take a look at me just in case. I was told that as soon as the medics took one look at me they immediately started doing emergency care and took me to the hospital.
At the time, I didn’t realize how close I was to taking my own life. I pushed so hard to fight those feelings away for the sake of my daughters. However, there is only so long someone can fight on their own with no support. I don’t know if my friends saw the warning signs or not. Maybe they did and they were too afraid to say something. I am ashamed that I attempted suicide. I am ashamed of the fact that the first thing I said to myself when I woke up in the hospital was, “I couldn’t even get my own suicide right.” There were some very serious consequences to my actions and even two years later I am still dealing with those consequences.
I encourage everyone to be more aware of suicide and the warning signs. I wish someone had said something to me and helped me, even if it meant being hospitalized. Suicide is an incredibly difficult thing to talk about - for those who haven’t had the thoughts, for those who have had the thoughts, for those who have attempted suicide, and the families that are affected by suicide.
If you are thinking about suicide, help is available. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting START to 741-741. For a list of international crisis centers visit this page: http://iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
If you are not in a crisis and would like someone to talk to online, visit the website www.7cups.com to chat for free with a trained listener.
Read more of Laura's posts here.