Fear is a very strange thing. I struggle with fear at the most nonsensical times. I am not fortunate enough to be one of those people that has the strength to take charge of my fear and let it fuel me to do great things. I am paralyzed by the fear that grips my entire being. It’s kind of funny that when I look back on my childhood and remember some of the days that I woke up terrified to go to school for some inexplicable reason, and to get out of it, I always had a stomach ache. Which wasn’t a lie, I did but it was the terror that had taken over.
I’ll never understand how this started. I’ll never understand why it continues to happen today, as I sit here, 41 years old. I always tell myself that you ought to have some insight into this by now. 30 years of panic attacks, you would think I would be able to snap right out of it. And isn’t that what everyone wants us to do? What we want to be able to do? Snap out of it. What a glorious thing that would be.
At this stage in my life, I feel very, very tired. Emotionally and physically beaten down by this disease. I don’t know that anyone can ever truly understand the physical toll this condition takes on your body. Since I was 19, I have been to countless doctors and on countless medications. Some would work for a short period of time, some none at all. I found bad doctors, and enough good ones to count on one hand. I’ve been hospitalized 4 times, and was barely able to focus on getting better because the conditions I was living in were so horrific.
So now, an average panic attack that ought to slowly subside, now manifests into something even larger because I am perpetually afraid of that next hospitalization. Isn’t that a sad and pathetic commentary on our times? You should be able to go to a hospital and get HELP, not stay awake all night because someone is stealing from you or your roommate screams her head off all night.
I know I am kind of bouncing around, and not really sticking to one topic. There is just so much to say, and I want to be able to say it before I forget again. On a day like today where for a brief moment, I caught myself and said…..this moment is OK. I am OK, I just long for more of those.
I want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel strong, ready for the day. Not afraid of what the day has to bring me. The ignorance of those that think I do this on purpose is astounding. Be me for ONE day, I dare you. Until then, I will take a tiny bit of pleasure in the little things and try very hard to find the happiness that I know I deserve.