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Stepping into the Light

By: Aubrey Good

Around time last year I felt like a ticking time bomb. Everything in my life had spiraled so far out of control within the span of a few months that I was wondering if the whispers of suicide in my mind were pointing me to the right direction. At 25, I felt like my overstimulating and busy schedule had been swept up in a tornado, throwing each component to places far beyond my reach. My marriage was going through another hard year, financial struggles piled higher and higher, work was trying my patience, and the degree I so stubbornly sought after was quickly going up in flames.

I had been accepted to an academically prestigious school in my area and was looking for a way to salvage my educational pursuits for a more practical degree in a similar field. Shortly after, admissions informed me that there had been an error in my acceptance based and so I could not start until the following year. In that single instant a tidal wave of apathy hit me and I proceeded to drop out of all of my classes. Depression took hold over me.

I can’t recall admitting to anyone at this time that I was struggling. I doubt that I would have; I hate depression and I loathe the impact it has on me. I am fiercely proud of my resiliency, ambition, and drive. Depression renders me lethargic, uncaring, and barely able to function.

My husband knew that something was wrong. A pattern had formed; his adventurous wife who lived for mornings by the beach stopped getting out of bed except to go to work in the evening, stopped socializing, and lost all interest in her passions. I had practically ceased functioning outside of being able to take care of our dog during the day.

Early one evening I finally answered his phone calls after a day of pressing the “ignore” button. He asked if I had done anything that day and I said that I was feeling ill and still in bed. I’ll never know what his thoughts were during this time- I do not have it in me to ask- but he knew that I was in trouble. I woke up to him crawling into bed with me because he felt that I needed him more than work did.

In that moment I trusted him enough to admit that I had been fighting off suicidal thoughts. He trusted me when I said I needed help and wanted to get better. There was no epiphany or magic solution but simply admitting that help was needed and being supported in that moment was essential to my being able to bounce back. It’s one of my favorite examples of how much he loves me and the impact was bigger than he will ever know.

I took a step into the light and it made all of the difference.

I’m still here.

*If you are in a crisis, please call this number which is a crisis line with listeners trained to help you: 1-800-273-TALK (8255), as we are not a crisis center. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting START to 741-741. For a list of international crisis centers visit this page: http://iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/. This is a list of international suicide hotlines: http://www.ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

If you are not in a crisis and would like someone to talk to online, we recommend the website www.7cups.com It’s a free, anonymous online chat with a trained listener.*

Comments

Powerful, courageous and very hopeful. You have so many good souls walking with you

Powerfully written. This post brought tears to my eyes. In the short time I've known you, I've witnessed how much you help tons of people and how you work so hard. (Too hard!) ;) I already liked what I heard of your husband. I think he's a wonderful, intuitive person to have been there for you when you needed him the most. Xo

Thank you, Aubrey, for sharing your experience with suicical thoughts. There is no shame in telling our story about how we fought and won the battle! Well done, inspiring and very much appreciated!

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PLEASE POST COMMENTS ONLY. If you are in need of an IBPF resource, please contact Aubrey @ agood@ibpf.org. If you are in crisis, please call 1-800-784-2433.
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