You are here

Torn Between Realities

Lauren Gann

This was written during a manic episode when the author was experiencing psychosis and was hospitalized. It contains adult language which may be triggering to some readers. 

I awaken. I hear hospital noises. I feel aloof but in control. Why am I here? What is my purpose in this place? Suddenly it looks so familiar. I am in a Florida hospital; this is where I was born. I stand up and walk around; no one notices me. I realize I haven’t moved, yet I knew all of my surroundings. I finally get placed in a room. I am a prisoner. Why THIS room. Why NOW. Something higher than me is trying to send me a message. So I look around for clues. Got one: Jeopardy was on. I am in JEOPARDY! Panic overcomes me. I need to get out of here. Why am I even here, I feel fine. Actually, I feel great. 

Then comes the gate keeper that is obliged to keep me in my place and suppress me. She is a black women, very pretty, very grounded. I have to find a way to outsmart this woman or I need to get her on my side. 

With a moment to myself, I look for handy tools that could help me escape; only cotton balls, rubber bands, and tissues. Then I get it, I need to let go and be guided. Then it all made sense-- a higher power placed me in that hospital, in that room, to show me something and that same power would guide me out of there. What is this higher power? God? Difficult to say considering I don’t believe in God. Maybe I have been wrong all of these years and that is what He is trying to show me. He is trying to show me faith. Well, fuck, here we go. 

The gatekeeper returns. She is wearing the standard scrubs, she must be a nurse. She asks me to pee in a cup for a drug test. I see this as an opportunity to escape this room. I take the cup. Suddenly, I am back in the room. What happened to my escape plan. Dammit. 

While I continue to sit there in that room, I begin to think. So why did I end up in my birth hospital. What happened to me when I was born that I need to know? 

Then I hear the nurses talking about me. About how I won’t give them a pee sample. They claim that I keep going to the bathroom and coming back empty handed. All I know is that they won’t let me out of the room. They then proceed to give me a lemon lime Gatorade, my brother’s favorite flavor. 

I don’t even get to take a sip and I hear a patient in the hallway whispering to me. He is very sick, I don’t know what was wrong with him, but his left arm was bandaged and he was laying in a bed in the hallway waiting to get put into a room. Apparently he was not allowing the clinicians to care for him. We both get yelled at for talking to each other. He continues and says, I will take my medication if you give them a pee sample. He then winks at me. But it wasn’t just a wink, there was a twinkle in his eye and I immediately knew that he was trying to guide me. So I went to the bathroom and came out with a pee sample. 

However, I am still in this room. So back to game plan #1: convert the gatekeeper. We start talking. She is from a broken home, but she thinks it has made her stronger as a women. YES, women’s rights, I can talk about this. I go on a rant (that she is totally digging) about women’s rights and tell her that I have found the way to break the glass ceiling, the barrier keeping women down. I demonstrate the barrier breaking by showing the rubber band come apart (it was one of those rubber band strips that nurses use to take blood). She is digging it. 

Then, I go on the tangent about having a purpose in life. It was not a planned tangent, but my thoughts guided me to it. What was said was a blur, but suddenly I had a crowd listening to me. But at the same time there were so many people that didn’t realize I existed. Then I made the connection: I could only communicate with people that I could relate to. I couldn’t relate to the doctors, but I could to the nurses, the patients, the house keeping. All I remember was this feeling like nothing could stop me; I knew everything. It was like the higher power used me as its pawn to access the people I was talking to since I could relate to them, but He/it couldn’t. 

Now, I’m in the back of a car. It isn’t a normal car though, it feels like I am in one of those Brinks security vans. Shit, this whole being a pawn thing really messes with your memory. Oh well, I am not afraid, whatever happened it worked. Now I am getting a little tired, where are they taking me. I hope home. I just want to be in my bed. This is a long car ride. 

They get me out of this car. There is this huge black guy that does not seem to like my questions. Now I’m naked, being searched. I have nothing to hide. They ask me to squat. I ask a clarifying question and they proceed to grab my arms and force me into a squat. They take all of my jewelry except my death piercing that I got with Taylor.

I think I am ready to go home now, but these people don’t agree. Who the hell are these people. Why won’t they leave me alone. I know what happened, whatever I said to the people in the hospital, they probably want me to tell them too. But shit, that wasn’t me, I was just a pawn of an energy greater than me.

I try to get the same inspiration that I got in the hospital to make these people leave me alone and let me go home, but I can’t find it. Then I feel it take over my body. I am out of control,  I can’t even explain this energy that is overtaking me. I black out. Then I wake up to being restrained. This woman is in my face saying “Fine, we can do this the hard way”. Then there is  a sharp pain in my butt cheek. My mind leaves the room, I am now in a doctor’s clinic getting my first booster shot. The pain subsides, I return to this awful room. I am strapped down and restrained. Sedated and docile.

I wake up. Where are my clothes? I am in a great mood for some reason, I feel light on my toes. I can sense something good is going to happen today. I go into the TV room. There is another person there. The news is on. Statistics on crime come on. Hell has broken loose on Earth. But I am not frightened, I KNOW I am immune to this horror.

I feel alone, except I know that Taylor is still with me. Every time I touch my earring I can sense him. Moments later I am on the phone with him. He seems worried. I assure him that everything is okay. The ladies then take the phone away from me.

I am bored, talking to this black man that is frail and just doesn’t understand life. Then I ask for a writing utensil, because I need to write something down--I could feel the greater power taking over me again. But no one will give me anything. After asking multiple times, I get a crayon. I am about to write something down and then I get this clear picture in my head. My mom is almost here. She is coming. I tell the man that gave me the crayon. I indicate that she will be there in 13 minutes. I am excited to see her. The man grabs another lady and asks her if she told me that my mom was coming. She said no. He seemed surprised that I knew she was coming. I could just sense her getting closer to me. It was a deep feeling in my chest as if her energy was radiating within my ribcage and it got more intense the closer she got. It had to be because of the bond we shared for 9 months and beyond. It wasn’t a scary feeling.

My mom arrives. We talk to this lady. She won’t talk to me or listen to me, but my mom will. I explain to her how people won’t leave me alone and how I can see into their souls. My mom seems to understand. The lady leaves shortly after.

I am instructed to shower. I can’t figure out these crazy shower nobs. The water is freezing. I wet my hair and face in the sink and call it a day. I change into the green shirt and jean shorts that my mom brought me.

We are in a rental car. My mom has this envelope that they gave her at the place I stayed. I always knew my mom would save me from whatever I got myself into. She is so smart and people listen to her.

We have time to kill before our flight home. We go to Panera. While eating my mom goes to the rest room. I suddenly feel hyper aware. Something is wrong. My head is throbbing with sirens. Where are they coming from? I go outside. I sense evil coming from my necklace. It is the necklace Taylor got me from Las Vegas. I take it off and throw it. The sirens subside for a bit. I go back inside and find my mom. They suddenly come back. I tell my mom we need to leave, something is wrong. About a minute later my mom finally hears the sirens, there was a fire truck.

My mom decides we should leave, but we still have some time so we drive around. 11:00 comes and she tells me to take these pills. These are the pills that lady told her to make me take. That lady knows that I can tap into these higher energies, she wants to stop it. She wants to kill me. I tell my mom that I will take them and I strategically don’t. I leave them out so people know that I didn’t take them if they retrace my steps. I am here to be a pawn, I must allow it to happen.

Add new comment

PLEASE POST COMMENTS ONLY. If you are in need of an IBPF resource, please contact Aubrey @ agood@ibpf.org. If you are in crisis, please call 1-800-784-2433.
CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether or not you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.