I'm here to talk to you about guilt. This is something that I felt for several years after I got help for my disorder. I couldn't believe the things that I had said and done to both my husband and mother. I was beyond devastated.
I was apologizing constantly. I even talked about it in therapy. Even though they had both forgiven me time and time again, I couldn't get past the guilt. I felt like I had turned into a monster in the past. It didn't matter how many times my therapist, my husband, and my mother told me not to feel guilty, it didn't seem to register with me.
Guilt is one of the absolute worst feelings in the world. What's worse is that I felt like the guilt was necessary because I felt like I needed to be punished. To be perfectly honest, it's easy to say, "Don't feel bad about the past." The thing is, I actually did those things, so I had to live with the memories I was being haunted by.
I'm writing this for two reasons. 1. No one with bipolar disorder deserves to feel like this. It's not my fault that I have this illness nor is it anybody else's. I still have to take full responsibility for what I did, but I needed to move on. Which leads me to 2. We deserve happiness. We deserve peace. We absolutely deserve to feel free. I'm still working on that, but it's getting so much easier.
Please hear me when I say that you deserve to live your life to the fullest. You deserve laughter and love. Yes, you should take responsibility for your actions, but you shouldn't do what I did and dwell on it. That will not rewrite the past and will only rob you of living a fulfilling life.
Like I said, it's easier said than done, but just take it day by day. Nothing worth having came easily.
See you soon!