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Restarting When You Crash Hard

Zephyr F. 

In every one’s life there are moments when you feel like you will never be able to get up and live again. I had one of those moments in my life. During which I thought I was done with everyone. I had crashed hard. Harder than I ever did. It was a really bad time.

It was a time when I was tapering off my medications. My doctor was of the opinion that tapering off the medication might help in weight loss. I had gained a lot of weight during the course of my treatment. All in all I gained like more than 20 pounds in just 3 months. I was severely depressed over it and it still causes me to have a low period as soon as I see my fat self in the mirror.

Anyways, I could not handle the tapering off really well. For the first few days I was okay but then I was unable to have sound sleep. I was tired all morning. It was hard to take care of my home and my son at the same time. I would rely on takeout food.

One day, things went so far wrong that I started questioning my reason for living. I felt like there was no need to live in this pain, no need to suffer. I was also questioning why I ever gave birth. How hard is it to raise a child when you have bipolar. Instead of listening to my thoughts I picked up the phone and called my doctor. He tried to calm me down and asked me to take my medication ASAP.

I also called my hubby who came back home to support me. He took me out for lunch and shopping. The whole week was so hard. It was like I was defeated. I worked so hard on not being like this but I relapsed. I relapsed the way I never thought I would.

It was getting harder and harder. Every day I was a defeated soul. It was so unlike me. I worked hard to be a good mom and manage my illness. One day, I came to realize that life is not fair. It is never fair. It never will be.

That realization was my wake up call. That day I decided that yes, I am going to crash and I am going to fall. But we fall because we need to get up. So now I am better than I ever was. I am more committed to my treatment. I am doing my workouts on time; I am trying to be more social and active.

It is just that like computers our systems crash too. The key is in re starting your system every time you crash. The key is to look into the eyes of the world and say “hello, I am back!”

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Comments

I'm just starting to accept or realize my Bipolar disorder is for real. This post really hits the mark and I couldn't explain this type of depression to someone if I wanted to. I just find myself in a blank stare. It affects my job and my family. I'm so tired and feel caught. I believe one day I will be able to look at this and see the strength, however, right now it only feels like everything is dropping on me at once and I can't get up.

I crash alot but I nvr stop taking my meds. I've jst come to realize I can't handle things the way I used to. When I feel defeated I rest as much as possible and the feeling passes in a day or 2. Not everyone is "programmed" to be strong all the time.

i feel like my world is crashing down around me and no matter what i do i cant stop; the crash...i am bipolar and take three different meds...for the last two weeks life just dont seem like living any more...each day i keep praying that today is gonna be better...but i cant seem to see the sunshine...

Hi Teresa, I'm sorry to hear about how you have been feeling. Have you talked to your doctor about these changes? Your doctor may consider a medication adjustment based on your symptoms. It is common for some people with bipolar to adjust their medication over time. If you need help finding information, support, or treatment resources email hzupin@ibpf.org

How is the question I keep asking myself. How do I keep going? I was diagnosed bi polar a couple months ago and had a manic episode all last week. Sunday started the crash and then it hit hard yesterday. i am certain I have had this happen many times in my life, as I have dealt with depression and addiction my whole adult life. But this time was the first time I have ever actually been a part of it or knew what was going on. I am a school teacher and a mother of 2. My ex husband and I got back together this summer and he is also bipolar but he has dealt with his for longer than I have dealt with mine. Yesterday I felt physically and mentally as low as I ever had. I went to bed at 5:00pm and woke up at 5:00am. I don't even remember seeing my kids yesterday. I called my dr and they want to up some of my meds but I am to the point of why? Why take meds when I can still have days like yesterday? I am to chicken to kill myself but death is all I think about, I came to work today and am doing the bare minimum to get by. I just want to go away from everyone and sleep and be left alone. But how I keep going I don't know. No, I do know. If I give up entirely I will lose my job which next means I will lose my house then probably my kids until there is nothing left, And it's THEM that I don't want to hurt. I don't know how I keep doing it but I do and it makes me so mad. I just want to give up. I love my children more than anything. And I don't want them to grow up without their mom but I enjoy nothing and they see me a total mess 80% of the time so that isn't doing them any good either. I have been to the hospital and it is all the same It works for awhile and then it stops working,. I am just so sick of it all. I am a robot. I am filled with so much anger that I can't just do it-give up. Say screw it to everything. Every five minutes I am asking myself why am I here? What is the point.

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