Author: Sophia Falco

I created a tragic collage of a vicious wolf cut out from an old National Geographic Magazine, and I juxtaposed it with hopeful words I deliberately found. I arranged these words just so that the lone wolf (sometimes I feel so lonely) could devour them. I even crossed those words out like “hope” itself with an X drawn in red ink. This does not mark the treasure, but instead the immense sorrow I have felt for a long time. I did this even though knowing that red pens are cursed—subsequently I was almost hospitalized for depression.

I was unlike and like a shooting star. I was  not bright with hope, but falling. Falling. I felt like I was falling even when laying on the ground in my room alone on my stomach head to the side tears sliding off my left cheek. I would imagine those tears flowing downwards past the hardwood floor, and surpassing the layers of the earth until they reach the other side into outer space. However, not even going to outer space would free me from my own mind.

I am a witness to this depression of mine like that of a hummingbird who witnesses the nectar before its drink, but this is not sweet. I want out of this depression. Quickly, but unlike quicksand. You’d sink just like that. I felt like I was sinking and my bed was the quicksand whereas the ocean is my higher power, and she responded with a laugh when I let her know. My heart sank. I was as serious as a lovely sunflower tilting its head following and facing the sun because I do find solace by being in the presence of the magnificent ocean.

I am working my way out of this depression by going off to residential treatment—willingly. It is a strength to recognize and to accept help when you need it the most. Living with bipolar disorder 1 for over a decade is no easy feat, but I remain strong. Strong like the decades old weeping willow tree. Even strong people cry sometimes.

I am pursuing my dream of becoming a creative writing professor since I applied for a Master of Fine Arts (MFA) program. I know I will be a strong candidate based off graduating magna cum laude along with the highest honors from The University of California, Santa Cruz, and due to my poetry success as a published poet. My forthcoming full-length poetry collection is titled: Farewell Clay Dove to be published by UnCollected Press. In addition, my chapbook The Immortal Sunflower (UnCollected Press, 2019) was a winner of The Raw Art Review poetry chapbook contest.

It’s time for me to go forth and rise up like the tides to overcome this darkness swallowing up sunlight at noon. I am focused on my healing. It’s not over till it’s over. Over a year-long episode of fighting depression, and I am still here pursing my dreams. Writing poetry is my savior on paper. I am resilient.

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