Author: Che’ Lang
When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I thought it was safe to assume there were only two sides of this medical condition that I would have to manage; mania and depression. Hypomania was also commonly depicted by my psychiatrist, but I never realized you can feel all these episodes at once. After 15 years of living with the crippling cycles that bipolar disorder brings, I found myself experiencing what felt like an eternity of internal torture that pulled me back and forth through the duality of this disorder. These episodes are known as “mixed episodes”. Knowing how to identify when you are in the throes of this specific type of episode will help you understand what is going on and help you feel less out of control.
Feeling physically exhausted, but not being able to sit still
Nothing I did ever felt like the thing I needed or wanted to be doing. I would have this intense urge that I needed to be doing something, but I physically couldn’t do anything because it felt as if my body and whole being was being pulled down relentlessly by gravity.
The only way I could relieve the feeling of needing to be anywhere and everywhere but the place I was physically existing in space, was to move from place to place around the house. Laying on my bed, laying on the rug in my room, going to the living room and laying on the couch, going into the back bedroom and laying on the floor, repeat. Life was beginning to feel like a twisted space of anguish that was never going to end.
Wanting to accomplish creative goals, but you physically and mentally cannot act on anything
I also was having fleeting creative ideas that would never materialize. The gears never stopped turning in my mind, there was just no fuel in said machine to allow the gears to operate said machine. Racing thoughts acted as an alternative energy sucker as well. It’s amazing how something as untangle as thoughts could physically deplete you of energy that wasn’t even there to begin with.
It felt as if there was another mind inside my own that was forcing me to think the things that it wanted to. On the outside you would see a lifeless body curled on the floor, but inside my mind I was begging the thoughts to stop so I could be still for just a moment and catch up with the mental beating that was taking place.
Having fits of rage and agitation, but unable to physically keep up with the emotions
It was difficult for me to be around anyone at this time because the smallest misunderstanding or attempt at small talk would set me off in a second. The catch was, I couldn’t hold onto the rage long enough to even continue trying to argue my point. My mind and body were so depleted of energy that agitation and rage were just too high of an emotion to feel for long.
In hindsight, this was for the best because it naturally deescalated situations that would usually go on for much longer and do much more damage than they did during this mixed episode.
Feeling restless, but also longing to feel grounded
Even though I kept needing to physically change where my body was in space, my mind also was craving a sense of familiarity and stability. I found that sense by listening to the same playlist over and over again while rocking in a rocking chair.
I truly believe this chair helped me the most through this episode. Not only could I sit comfortably and not need to use energy to hold my body up, but I could move at the same time with little effort from my legs to facilitate the rocking motion. I quickly realized that my anxiety level lowered while doing this activity. The motion of rocking your body literally releases endorphins, so this can act as a natural anxiety soother.
It’s one thing to have to manage mania, hypomania, or depression. Having to manage all three at once is an obstacle that may feel completely unattainable. Understanding that what you are experiencing has a name may help you push through each moment of this cycle. It’s important to keep reminding yourself that this is just another part of your disorder, and that this episode is temporary. Soon enough you’ll be able to breathe again and the unattainable can be obtained.
The content of the International Bipolar Foundation blogs is for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician and never disregard professional medical advice because of something you have read in any IBPF content.
