2/25/15 

Mania.  I am manic as hell right now.  I can’t sit still.  Nothing is enough. It’s insatiable.  I smoke too much, want sex too much, shop too much.  And it’s never enough. Never.  I have to keep going, keep seeking out pleasure, and it’s like it’s not even my decision.  It’s like it’s happening to me.  I’ll take mania over depression any day, but where is my happy medium?  Where?  Mania is uncomfortable.  Not able to ever be satisfied is painful, really.  This is why go on shopping sprees and engage in lots of sexual behavior, because we want more.  We need more stimulation.  More, more, more! 

I don’t know how to fix this.  I’ve been trying for years.  It’s like we NEED to go shopping; we need it.  But then I’m ashamed when the bills come, when all the packages arrive in the mail (I don’t want to interact with people in public). 

I feel guilty once the mania wears off.  I feel like a piece of crap.  My depression sets in, and I hate myself.  I just don’t know how to fix it.  Anyone else have advice?  I need some. 

3/16/15

I am depressed.  I’ve been in this low for a while now.  The shopping sprees have resonated, the bills have come, the guilt to the point of crying has set in. I should be a responsible adult, and I feel anything but.  I feel like a horrible wife, a horrible mother, a horrible person.  I am at school and just cried during my free period.  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t go on.  At least, that’s how I feel right now.  I yell at my husband, I yell at my kids, and then I feel extremely guilty and depressed and ashamed about it, and I cry and dwell on what a terrible person I am.  I need help.  I don’t know how to get out of this.  Show me how.