Author: Sophia Queen

 

I wanted to start by saying, this road isn’t easy. I forced myself into thinking it would be fine and I would be fine, but many times I’m not. I get glimpses of hope every once in a while but just know that the first diagnosis isn’t an answer, it’s a reason why. You might be thinking “wow this is negative” but it’s a reality many of us have lived at one point or will live at another. When I first got my Bipolar 1 diagnosis it made sense but it wasn’t like it made sense in a way that I wanted it to.

It explained all of my negative past behaviors that I wanted to go away, I shamed myself for so long and I wanted to hide and put it away forever. It made unfortunate sense, and I felt crushed. I was put on all the stereotypical bipolar medications that of course didn’t work for me, my body is as stubborn as I am. The doctors told me it would be okay and to try more, so I did, and the more I did, I felt more sick, but I guess that’s what happens when your body is as sick as your brain.

I wanted to hide and go away forever. I never wanted to be seen again. I never wanted to see a doctor, my friends, my family, my dog, I was that stereotype. Violent, aggressive, hostile, cruel, volatile. The one that puts us in a box. To think that I was those things but also hiding fear, loneliness, deep seeded traumas and sadness underneath the surface but no one could see that only the aggressive me was hurting, and I was hurting others. To think that things continued on this trajectory for years and years is painful, but knowing that little glimpses of hope kept me going is what keeps me going now. Knowing that in every dark day and after every episode something good might come. It might be my cat crawling underneath my covers or my coffee being made really nice that day but it’s little things like that that you can look for everyday. 

Being bipolar is a journey, it’s a lot of self healing and inner work and it takes lots of time. It’s not looking outside and seeing all the good, it’s not waking up and feeling grateful, you really have to dive deep within yourself and find it. Lose yourself in the work, you are worth every single step and inch of growth no matter how big or small.

 

My tips for those who are newly diagnosed:

 

• Take a couple deep breaths, it’s not an answer, it’s a reason why.

Its time to self heal and reflect, your journey isn’t over .

• Say daily positive affirmations as part of your routine 

Ex: I am beautiful, I am strong, I am kind  

It helps with self esteem and begins to grow confidence!! 

• This disorder does not define who you are as a person it is not attached to you 

Don’t let anyone tell you it is, you are a strong individual with no diagnosis attached to you.

• Build as much of a support system as you can 

If you don’t have one that’s okay! it will build overtime.

• Journal, journal, journal! 

Your holy grail is your pen and paper.

• Pour as much love in to yourself as you would to a best friend or a pet you deserve it

Practice by doing things you love every day even if its hard at first try one thing to start .