Author: Matthew Palmieri
Depending on my mood state, my sense of self worth can change drastically.
While manic, I feel a larger than life sense of purpose. It often feels justified after extended depressive episodes because it feels like my brain needs to catch up on all the things I’ve missed due to isolation. After doubting myself for so long, mania feels like something I need to lean into and channel to achieve my goals.
However, the more aggressively I feed this manic behavior, the more it can progressively lead to an excessive and unhealthy level of self-importance. I’ve learned over time a way to combat these extremes is to strive for stability in a holistic treatment plan, so that these shifts can be mitigated and lessened over time. Ideally, I feel a balance between these two states, all the while being much more self conscious, in order to prevent a full blown manic episode.
The impact of my mood swings has caused a lot of difficulty in maintaining a stable self-image. I often have to remind myself that this is a mental disorder, not something entirely within my ability to control. Achieving a kind of baseline stability with financial and career success can help me feel like I’ve recouped lost years spent chasing mania and living in denial.
It is important to remind myself that the trying is what makes me strong, not the end result. It’s the doing that I have learned to feel proud about, against so many odds.
Depression and Self-Worth
During depressive episodes, I have extreme feelings of failure and inadequacy, convincing myself that I am behind from the rest of the world, especially those my age. This I know is a delusional way of thinking.
Depressive episodes probably have the biggest impact on my self-esteem because I amount everything up to the big markers in life — kids, a home, a successful, burgeoning career.
When I dig myself out of these inevitable ruts, I develop a sense of higher self worth based on my resilience, and the feeling that as I’ve needed to spend time to recuperate, I tend to sling shot myself forward, accomplishing even more than I thought possible.
I learn best through these dark periods because they’ve taught me how important it is to eat well, exercise, sleep and focus on routine above all else.
I may emerge with more savings, a stronger plan for career success, and other features of a better, more stable life. It may feel like I’m going backwards while I’m in it, but in a lot of ways, it pushes me further down the road in the long term.
Therapy has helped me put these things in perspective. I may not feel this way subjectively most times, but when taking a step back, I can see how far I’ve come.
Depression has led me to greater success, better finances, and more accomplished creative pursuits, even if it may not feel like it at the time.
Finding a Starting Point
There are a lot of times where I wonder what my friends and family think of me. Sometimes I wish there was a way to understand more of the nuances of bipolar illness on a broader level — the grandiosity, the irritability, the manic spending and the delusional thinking — more than anything else the impact this disorder can have on my behavior.
My initial diagnosis feels like it unknowingly set the stage for the rest of my life, for better or worse.
Striving for stability has helped me see just how far I’ve come and reminding myself that can solidify my sense of self-worth, as rocky as it may seem at times.
