Something I am Proud Of:
From my teen years on, my moods and behavior were an omnipresent issue in my life. Although I excelled academically in high school, my relationships were extremely volatile, a pattern that would continue into my tumultuous college years. During my time at UT Austin, my academic performance and behavior became increasingly unstable. I lost countless friendships, began missing assignments, and started to excessively self-medicate with substances, specifically alcohol – as it seemed to help quell what I now know to be hypomanic states.
I would go through periods where I couldn’t get out of bed for days, was excessively mean and irritable, and couldn’t function on a day-to-day basis. Other times, I would wake up ready to attack the day, write an entire essay assignment in record time, and become overly friendly and outgoing. Unsurprisingly, this sort of behavior only distanced me further from others. I began to isolate myself more and more, and my drinking quickly developed into alcoholism, leading to multiple episodes of self-harm and hospitalization.
Throughout this time, I was constantly in therapy, on ever-changing medications, and emotionally miserable. It was exhausting. The only way I made it through was due to the constant support of my family, for which I continue to be eternally grateful. I constantly tried to “keep up with the Joneses” so to speak, chasing towards whatever I thought would elevate my social status, leading me to a brief stint in law school before withdrawing after an episode. Looking back, I am grateful for the experience, as after so many episodes of problematic behavior, my psychiatrist finally landed on the correct diagnosis.
After so much time, it was a relief to know exactly what I was dealing with and helped me to address the ever-present guilt and shame that I carried. After proper medication, my life and moods, became so much more manageable. Although I may not be exactly where I want to be in life right now, I’m incredibly proud that I’m finally beginning to create a life that I truly love, I now have a stable job that I enjoy, improved relationships, and even began writing a novel. I like to look back at moments from two, three, four years ago and compare them to where I am now, and it brings me an immense amount of pride and hope for the future.
Message for Newly Diagnosed:
Although an initial diagnosis is frightening, it is also an incredibly hopeful step. Now that the condition is identified, you are now able to address it directly instead of constantly trying to manage it through other means. There is medicine out there, support networks, medical professionals, and countless other resources to help you along.
It may take some time to get the medicine correct, but once you do it’s like putting on glasses for the first time. The world seems so much clearer, and you think “Wow! Is this how others see the world all the time?”.
If I were to give someone tips it would be to track your moods, work with a professional to help identify your triggers, and try to be mindful of your patterns. Overall remember that this isn’t your fault, and it is treatable.
