I’m actually proud of my bipolar Disorder. It’s made me strong and who I am today. I haven’t self harmed in over 7 years. I’m proud I’m still alive.

Sometimes I feel like I haven’t had a moment where bipolar hasn’t touched my life. I feel like my life has been full of highs and lows. At 12 years old I had my first major depressive episode. When I was depressed it was like my world had shut down. I was self harming, staying in bed all day, crying etc. At 19 I attempted suicide and was hospitalised.

Throughout my 20s things got progressively worse. I had major lows and slight highs. But when I was 27, I had a full blown manic episode. From what I remember, I was extremely irritated at everything and everyone. I thought the water supply and my food had been poisoned. I spent over £15k on credit cards. I was full of energy, hardly slept, talked extremely fast, started loads of art projects and never finished them. I couldn’t control my thoughts or voices in my head. I was also severely paranoid about everyone. Remembering an episode is like being slightly drunk – you sometimes remember parts and don’t understand why you behaved that way.

Luckily I went straight to a private psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I did try see the NHS but had no luck with any diagnosis or medication. I saw the private psychiatrist for a total of 5 years, trialling different mood stabilisers, antipsychotics and antidepressants. I was losing hope throughout the years, cycling through severe depression, hypomania and mania. At age 31, still on medication, I was very surprised when the delusions and paranoia stopped. The depression stopped. I was actually what they called stable. I was discharged from private psychiatry.

Unfortunately though, even when you’re stable, bipolar never stops. There’s still the debts to pay off, the side effects of medications, memory loss, medical bills, wondering whether the slightest change in mood maybe an episode coming on. The list could go on.

At aged 34 I knew I wanted to have children. I knew I’d have to stay on my medication to avoid becoming severely ill. Even on antipsychotics pregnancy didn’t come without the hallucinations of bugs crawling up walls. Pregnancy was tough but I managed it. I gave birth to a healthy boy in March 2024.