Author: Ivory Smith

In these times of transition, we now have so many types of bullying. All of us have heard of the school yard bully that fought, shoved, and made jokes at others. Generations ago, there were fights on the bus and the school yard rooting for whomever to win. School bullying has resulted in physical and psychological harm to students.  

However, for the theme of this blog I had never heard of the term workplace bullying, and this is my story. Yes, we were aware when sexual harassment policies came about in various workplace as something understood that one did not do. Corporations even started diversity and sexual harassment policy training. However, the emergence of workplace bullying became very personal to me as it disturbed my moods stability, self-esteem, and even tried to rock to the core of my being, resulting in resignation.  

First, we must define workplace bullying as being referred to as unreasonable individuals or a group of individuals directed towards an employee or a group of employees and creates a risk to the health and safety of the employees. It includes behavior that intimidates, degrades, offends, a worker, often in front of others. 

In 2021, I transitioned from being a bedside nurse to being a case management nurse. In other words, from needles and shots to a different kind of assessment out of the hospital setting. I came to my new employer already acquainted with two other staff members. I thought I could heal from the trauma experienced during the height of COVID as a nurse. I remember my supervisor infusing the importance of employees and their families as a priority at the beginning. I trusted and believed that those words were ethical and valued its employees.   

In March 2022, during my spouse’s breast cancer diagnosis, I was supported by my employer.  I was going through a deep depression myself. However, the atmosphere changed, and I am not sure how they changed. Through therapy and doing some inner work, I began to see things that were not as they appeared. FMLA was not available. I did not know what to do as far as disclosure of the bipolar disorder. I placed my trust in the promise of ethics and employee first. There were times when I needed reasonable accommodations that were particular to me with my symptoms. So, I went to my supervisor for reasonable accommodation, and I now realize that it was a mistake.  It was best to go to HR objectively for reasonable accommodations with doctor support.  

 In November or December 2023, my coworker and I were discussing client issues by phone. The coworker lashed out verbally and I tried to understand and calm her down, but I was surprised. I was so distressed that my coworker, though thin cubital walls heard me and went to get my supervisor. I discussed with my supervisor what happened, and the encounter was downgraded and not managed between both employees. At that point I knew others were treated differently than the rest of the work group. 

I remember I would travel to see clients and get phone calls or text messages that seemed urgent about what I should have done or did not do. I started having anxiety necessitating taking anti-anxiety medication at work when I saw a text or phone call coming in. I did not feel much appreciation for accomplishments. I noticed the energy of the whole office go down. I reported that I did not feel supported, and the response was that she was hurt by that statement. I no longer felt safe expressing my feelings if my superior feels hurt by that. Arguing with a supervisor became so upsetting and toxic that I could not understand it. I started to be afraid at work due to the energy and morality. I saw my other colleagues be harassed and bullied. Some employees were treated differently and a few befriended and allowed them to do things that the others were not able to do. 

January of 2024, my doctor, and I discussed going back to a more weight neutral mood stabilizer. Considering several factors: different therapists, different cocktails, and not working at the hospital, it just might work. I was eager but nervous to do a double titration. By June, my mental health had deteriorated to the point of hospitalization. I did not know that my data entry began to suffer as cognition went downhill. I was in a mixed state. I usually worked from home on some days due to being able to concentrate better. However, it was demanded I become hybrid again even though working remote alone helps me with being distracted. June 18, 2024, I was about to travel to another county to see a client in a very deteriorated state and my friend stopped me from driving. I emergently called my doctor, and she placed me on sick leave for two weeks. Due to trust issues, I had with my supervisor I was terrified and thrown into a panic attack. I knew my co-workers’ personal matters were not being held in confidence. Therefore, I knew other employees would know my personal matters. I had discussed unresolved issues with my executive administrator and talked to the executive administrator and I was instructed to send my letter of sick leave to them. Upon my return to work I felt exposed. My fellow coworker had to assist with my assignments. My former medication was stabilizing the mixed state I was in as far as the emergent agitation, but, not sleeping, I was going into a slight depression due to the undercurrents that if I had not gone on sick leave some aspects of the office would not be behind me. 

Any attempt to have a normal mutually respectful working relationship dissolved into supervisor’s statement of making too much money to breach confidentiality of employees. I felt supported one day but undermined the next and on an emotional roller coaster. Upon my return to work I was still fearful and almost paranoid. I would second guess myself causing instability for me.  I backed up any verbal communication by emails of clarification. Not only is that proper professionalism as an employee, but emails also made me feel more secure. For example, I would be instructed to do a task one way two weeks ago but now I should perform the differently which created confusion for me and the office. If I needed aid with how to raise productivity or scheduling I was not permitted to ask another RN from another office.  

In December 2024,  depression came  already exacerbated by the season change. I was determined to get through the holidays with increased therapy, online support groups, and increase in seeing my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist even increased one of my mood stabilizers, but I told her I felt like I was just eating skittles. I felt mixed up, confused, and had trouble balancing my checkbook. The bipolar depression seemed to have had a physical pain component to it. I was angry at Christmas and angry at the New Year. I could not go through another year looking at the bipolar forecast for the past 34 years along with feeling oppressed where I worked. Work, seasonal changes, a worker’s comp issue that was tied up with lawyers and just losing hope.  

 I had suicidal ideations, and I saw the dark. I called the  988 number for help.  Although I love the work I do in assessment/case management I could not do it there and keep mental health. I decided with my spouse and family support to let go.  

The things that helped me to cope during that time: 

• Understanding that the love for the job I was doing in helping others sometimes superseded everything.
• I surrounded myself by acquaintances who were assertive and had a voice. Through this I developed my voice in the workplace. I persisted, wrote letters, had meetings, exhausted all I could.  
• Instances of bipolar depression affected how I saw myself worth and self-esteem. Having the support of spouse, family, and friends to remind me of my self-worth. 
•  Online support groups to share how being in a toxic environment was affecting me and others. 

I exited my workplace with peace. I wanted to start healing before I left which is what I did months before. Writing the resignation was difficult. Spirituality, therapy, family, knowing I was going to take time off between jobs to heal helped me to let go. My last day of employment was January 16, 2025. It was bittersweet with tears and mixed emotions. I wanted to look at everything from an eagle’s point of view and see the greater purpose in all of this. What did I learn? How do I disclose? Who can I trust? Can I even trust management anymore for disclosure?  I am exploring  part-time or contract work. I realize there are choices, and I do not have to stay bound by an organization that does not correct these behaviors that can result in trauma. I desire full participation and creativity in my profession. I desire autonomy and dignity, and respect for the environment between management and staff.  

The content of the International Bipolar Foundation blogs is for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician and never disregard professional medical advice because of something you have read in any IBPF content.