Author: Violette Kay

This World Bipolar Day, I look back at all the ways bipolar disorder has impacted my life, and the variety of these experiences is so vast I don’t know whether I should mourn or celebrate. Bipolar disorder has ruined my life a million times over, but it also got me places… Well, “places”. It’s relative. But I’ve been stable for almost a year, so since then I get to choose I’m celebrating! I’m choosing to celebrate everything that makes me #bipolarbrave.

I remember counting down the days until my last therapy appointment, sweet freedom so close I could taste it. I felt so powerful when I told my therapist I would be leaving, or rather “saving these 6 months of DBT for later” (The mental healthcare system is broken, I’ll take what I can.) And I meant it too: I fully intend on going back someday. I’m saving those sessions for when I need them more. Being responsible with my treatment makes me #bipolarbrave.

I love feeling powerful. It is my favorite feeling in the world. I first felt it while hypomanic, and for a long time I found it hard to comply with treatment because I thought that by giving up my hypomanic episodes, I would also necessarily be giving up that feeling, that power. I love Hypomanic Me. I think she’s really cool. You might have found her in the kitchen at 5:00 am baking for her roommates (surely winging it without a measuring cup). Or at a theatre festival wearing all the hats: playwright, performer, media rep and volunteer extraordinaire. Or perhaps in a stairwell, covered in drywall, making “improvements” to her (rented) apartment. But lately she can’t be found in any of those places. Medications do their job of keeping her in check. I miss her every day, but I have to remember that she causes hurt too; always a thousand steps ahead, angry at those who cannot keep up, restless, frantic, and all alone. It gets lonely up there. Choosing stability makes me #bipolarbrave.

I remember sitting in the audience at an awards ceremony, smiling and applauding as a stranger accepted an award they got for replacing me in a show I unfortunately had to drop out of at a time when I was depressed and completely non-functional. Of all things I lost to mental illness, this one didn’t hurt the most, but it hurt differently. And yet I’m genuinely happy for everyone who worked on that show. As much as I wish I could have been a part of it, I’m relieved it all worked out for them. I’m relieved I didn’t cause them trouble by leaving. Recognizing my limits makes me #bipolarbrave.

Lately I read a little story about a grey-shelled snail that painstakingly dragged itself across the earth and made it to the top of a mountain without realizing it, and it suddenly dawned on me that I now have the one thing I’ve been dreaming about for years: a life that doesn’t revolve around my mental illness. It happened so gradually I didn’t even notice it. For years I felt like bipolar disorder was my whole identity, but it no longer takes up 100% of the space in my life, and I’ve been filling the free space with other things. I made it to the top of the mountain without realizing it.

I am #bipolarbrave when I go swimming without shorts on, my body on display, self-harm scars and all.

I am #bipolarbrave when I move small amounts of money around, inching my way towards that debt-free finish line.

I am #bipolarbrave when I take my medication in public instead of repeatedly snoozing my reminder alarm until I safely reach the privacy of my home.

I am #bipolarbrave when I personalize my workspace, when I buy tickets to an event that is three months from now, when I commit to a full year membership. I am #bipolarbrave when I act like I am in this life for the long haul.

I am #bipolarbrave today and always. Happy World Bipolar Day!

The content of the International Bipolar Foundation blogs is for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician and never disregard professional medical advice because of something you have read in any IBPF content.