I wish I had known that I was born with what I call a “bipolar brain.” My whole life I have been living on the “bipolar spectrum.” For decades, my brain was gradually changing, and my subclinical bipolar condition growing ever-close to clinical bipolar disorder (BD).
I wish I had known that living on the bipolar spectrum would give me a number of what I call “super powers”—advantages, including enhanced energy, drive, enthusiasm, extroversion, creativity, problem-solving abilities. These qualities would boost my performance, and make me highly successful, as a student, athlete and leader. But my success came at the cost of full-blown BD and near death.
Knowing what I do now, I think about the three pieces of advice that my wonderful mother gave me when I was in my 20s:
- “You’re not getting enough sleep – this will hurt you.” She was right. As my sleep decreased over the years, my movement up the bipolar spectrum increased, ultimately leading to full blown mania This meant little to no sleep for extended periods – weeks, even months at a time. I now know that my hyperthymia (a near continuous level of mild mania)—a potential indicator of being on the bipolar spectrum—greatly decreased my feeling of needing sleep, as well as my ability to sleep. This lack of sleep disrupted my circadian rhythm and exacerbated my BD.
- “You drink too much alcohol and party too much. The alcohol is bad for you and will come back to haunt you.” She was right – it did. My hyperthymia, and later BD, increased my desire for and use of alcohol. It felt good, and I continued using alcohol. What’s worse is that alcohol also diminishes sleep quality, making the little sleep I was getting, less beneficial.
- “You take your job too seriously – it seems you’re always working. Back off. Take a break. Relax. If you die tomorrow, the army will bury you, put a replacement in, and keep moving on. They’ll never miss you. So don’t take your work and yourself so seriously.” She was right, and unfortunately, my zeal for the Army Profession continued to increase, especially as my hyperthymia accelerated, moving into higher levels of hypomania and finally mania. On the other hand, I believed in striving to be my best, and that could only happen through lots of hard work. Think of Michael Jordan; he didn’t get to the top by backing off. This is where conventional definitions of “success” and the necessary effort to achieve success in our society collide with genetic brain conditions. Find the right balance for you.
In retrospect, I probably could have reached many or most of my professional goals with a more balanced life. Hobbies would have been helpful and maybe could have slowed or prevented my bipolar onset. By the time I reached my fifties, I had drifted away from all my earlier hobbies, except for working out and downhill skiing; this was an unhealthy trend that likely accelerated my bipolar onset, because I was putting high intensity exercise, in addition to already working too much, before sleep. Along with better work-life balance, other positive activities that could have helped slow my BD onset would have been increased mindfulness, different kinds of meditation, and maybe having a pet.
