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Hyde & Hyde.... no Jekkyll

By: Laura Sanscartier

From the time I was a little girl, I have always had horrible thoughts. Thoughts of hurting people, thoughts of people dying. Thoughts of car crashes and horrible accidents around the house. I always thought that I was just a strange person, and that having these thoughts was a part of my broken brain. Fast forward to 2018, and it was finally made clear: I have OCD. I have the kind of OCD where I am in constant fear of hurting those close to me, or absolute strangers. I have horrible horror-movie images in my head at all times. I don't know where all these images come from, but they plague me 24/7. I don't have the compulsions that some have, but I've been told by professionals that this is a specific kind of OCD, and the thoughts are the whole deal. They're enough!
Then there's a bipolar diagnosis, and we have a constant Mr. Hyde situation. Mr. Hyde is the "bad" persona in "Dr. Jekkyll and Mr. Hyde", and I have felt, especially in the last few years, that I was a Mr. Hyde, and there was no help for me.
The combination of Bipolar and OCD is one of exaggerations. The depression of bipolar makes my OCD obsessions come harder and faster than ever. I feel like I'm not worthy of anything, my head is so full of horrible thoughts. Mania makes my OCD more frightening. The thoughts become "possible", and there are voices telling me to do those horrible things I see in my head.
Is there a cure for this? For me, a combination of ECT and medication has worked out fairly well. I have less intrusive thoughts, and the depression and mania don't ramp things up in the same way. It's all still there, it's just muted, and I relish the relief.
Having multiple diagnoses is never a fun thing, but I am hopeful that the continuation of my remedies will help keep things in a toned-down manner. Perhaps now I can leave Mr. Hyde behind, and begin living life as a Dr. Jekkyll.

Comments

This is my life. OCD and schizoaffective bipolar. Violent intrusive thoughts. I always thought it was psychosis. Now I know it might be OCD type. Will tlk to a doctor. Thank you for sharing.!!

Seen by Nurse practitioner, was told I have bipolar! I’m really having a difficult time with this diagnosis! I am constantly down in the dumps Have low energy and desire to do much, can’t understand why I’ve been diagnosed and if I’m being diagnosed correctly...any advice?

I am bipolar, diagnosed in 1999, I was 49! My husband is bipolar, diagnosed in1989, he was 46 and a police officer, retired with a disability and so did I! Talk about a rocky ride, addictions, denial, affairs, verbal abuse, we divorced, remarried! I could’nt hold a job unless I was in a mania! I have two suicide attempts and three psychiatric stays! He has two psychiatric stays, one was nine weeks! In all of that, they found him to have schizoaffective disorder and now he has Parkinson’s! I am very stable now! Turned my life positive, got in recovery, lost 100lbs, walk 5 miles a day, start my day with God and journal everyday! Forgiving myself was the hardest! I am so thankful for my choices now, a sink wife cannot take care of a sick husband, I am his caregiver and I do not like that title! I have a blog and I write poetry pertaining to my, our life of crazy and wellness! We take our meds faithfully! In that nine week stay, my husband had 7 ECT’s! It is a vicious disease, life destroyer, relationship destroyer! We are now married 42 years and thankful we did not kill each other! Humor helps, I refuse to go backwards! It is possible, now I believe it! I do not know the woman in the mirror, but, she’s smiling! God bless and the best for all of you!❤️

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