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My Emotional Roller Coaster

I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately.  I was feeling really anxious and depressed, so my psychiatrist upped my meds.  I then felt worse.  Crying every day.  Crying for no reason.  My parents came over one day while I was crying, and my daughter told them, “She’s been crying a lot lately.”  I don’t want my children to see this, but it’s inevitable.  The first day I started crying, both of my girls ran up to me and gave me hugs.  Eleanor got a tissue and wiped my tears away.  I have such amazing kids, and I’m still struggling to find a way to explain this to them.  They asked me if I was sad, and I told them yes; sometimes Mommy gets sad.  That’s the only way I’ve explained it so far.  My kids are five and eight, and I know they wouldn’t grasp the concept, the truth about my disorder.

So I lowered my dosage of the meds, and I’ve been feeling better.  There were two nights in a row this week that I couldn’t sleep, and that took a toll on me.  I also think it made me a little manic, which is a good change for once.  I’d rather be manic than depressed.  Last night I walked in my sleep.  It’s happened twice now, and it’s because I took too many pills to try to get me to sleep.  I did sleep last night, though, so that’s good, although I am still exhausted, not caught up on my sleep yet.  I think it was anxiety that kept me awake those two nights.  Anxiety is also something I want people to understand.  None of this is because we’re weak, not strong enough people to handle life.  Anxiety is depression’s best friend, and most people with depression or bipolar disorder have to battle that, along with the depression.  I take meds because I’m bipolar, and I take meds for generalized anxiety disorder.  I was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  Watch Girl, Interrupted if you want to try to understand that.  The bipolar disorder takes center stage, so that’s what I usually write about.

It’s still frustrating to me that people don’t understand this, the mania, the depression.  My husband and I got into a big fight this week, (although making up was great) and I just felt like he was being so mean, and criticizing pretty much everything I do wrong.  He doesn’t get it.  Even though I’ve explained it a hundred times, even though I’ve had him read books about it.  The way he was treating me let me know that he doesn’t get it.  And maybe he never will.

My hope is that one day, everyone will understand.  I won’t be criticized for all of my personal traits which are symptoms of my disorder.  People will understand this.  If I could change this, believe me, I would.  I want everyone to understand that.  We aren’t faking anything.  This is real, and it can suck.  Bad.  It’s been hell, a hell I can’t escape from.  People need to know that we take meds because we want to be better.  We want our mood swings to be better, more balanced.  I’ve been trying for three years to get stabilized.  It’s frustrating, and I often just want to give up on life, to end my life.  But I won’t.  When I feel like that, I talk to someone about it.  I’m very needy and I need a lot of reassurance, because when I’m in that much of a low, I don’t feel like I will ever get better.  People tell me I will, and that’s what keeps me here.

I want to get off of this emotional roller coaster.  It’s hell.  I want people to understand what we go through, and know that it’s not something we pretend to have.  We need to establish an effective dialogue, one that convinces people that this disorder does not mean we’re crazy.  We’re just different.  We feel the same feelings as everyone else, only they’re amplified.  Our highs are higher; our lows are lower.  Our emotions are extreme.  I have to be reminded that the feelings I feel are the same as everyone else.  Just extreme, and sometimes extreme to the max.

I joke about being bipolar a lot, because humor helps me cope with this.  It’s just not okay when other people attempt to joke, but only end up saying something untrue and hurtful.  It’s also not okay when people throw “bipolar” around, labeling anyone they perceive to be “crazy.”  I’ve deleted many people on Facebook who have said anything hurtful about this disorder.  I don’t want friends like that.  I want friends who are understanding, who are open and accepting with their feelings about bipolar disorder whenever the term is brought up.  I want a world that is compassionate.  A world that understands.

Maybe someday, somehow, It will happen.

Comments

I had a major fight with my ex partner today she left me 6 weeks ago. Sick and tired of the roller coaster ride. She has said she wants to see changes in me and that she will have her guard up for sometime every time I see her and the kids she hits me time and time again with negativity for stupid things I have done in the past when manic prior to diagnosis. I have educated myself about bipolar and I love it and see it as a gift. I'm passionate about helping others to understand it as well she didn't want a bar of it. I guess she didn't love me enough to want to understand. After 5 years and 2 kids I find myself alone. It's hard and feel I have no one to talk to about it.

I am 44 and was diagnosed in 1996. I have burned bridges ruined relationships due to my bipolar.. You have to get a supportive circle and build your relationships around that.. She may never forgive you or forget what you did in the past.. If you can't get her become knowledgable about the disease you won't get better.. Try going to a therapist.. A counselor for support

Mark this is not about you its about her cognition . You are an excuse for her temporary priming of what she cant understand or handle. It's always easy to start new vs. Fight for something we truly believe worth fighting for . I have sympathy but can't ever say empathy since I am not suffering from any disorder. Sometimes we are who we are and no deliberate condition we created is causing that. Accepting yourself and believing things in the past was beyond your controllable norms is always a start. Even if you have one person who understand your fear pain and suffering just the reality of someday you meet a person who understand your emotion and is able to tolerate and emerge those feeling with understanding make life all worth living again . Hang in there my friend and just accept the world can sometimes be a lonely place but you can and you will change it to your liking .
Mark gilvaie

You're not alone :)

Definitely not alone Mark and remember when your low that you will definitely lift, just take it easy and it always gets better. I've been diagnosed 27 years now (hypomania) and I read about bipolar and learn and keep learning and this helps to educate me and makes me aware that many people suffer with the condition xxx

I have the sAme problem my family doesn't understand and I feel so alone. My Dr changed my antipsychotic meds hoping it will balance me but I've been on a roller coaster for 3yrs now. It's true, you are not alone. Just reach out to other bipolar people who understand.

I have been on this roller coaster since my early teens.but back then they didn't say I was bipolar .Didn't try to help.which made it worse.I wasn't properly diagnosed until I was 37.I have been on almost every med out there.None of which helps me as much as I would like.& as much as I try to explain it to my family & friends the more they do not understand.So,I have to pretty much try & fake it when i am w/them.Which causes me to want to be left alone.I feel better when I am alone.I am tired of having to explain that I can't just suck it up & get over it.The remarks from family hurt the most.Hoping that they can find the right med for me....

I'm glad you see it as a gift, andn don't think of it as she didn't love you enough, people have different depths of understanding. My family friends and bf found my reactions hard tp accept when they thought it was just anxiety and depression, now with the bipolar and borderline personality disorder diagnosis, they are so much more understanding and flexible, and a whole lot less judgemental when im super active at night. I've been on the other side, im only 24 but ex when I was 18 had induced psychosis. .. that was hard I think he still used sometimes but there were many suicide attempts and strange things, empathy and love can do strange things, he's still in love with me but walked out when I got sick, his mother also won't take any initiative to help him, only enable his addictive personality. It depends on the person. Again so glad u see it as a gift, I do to when I'm not depressed.

Sara,
I am so happy of the relationship you seem to have with your kids, I hope I can be well enough to have kids one day, some days I feel my pets are too demanding.
My fella makes comments like he's let "so much slide" and that hurts , I know I make mistakes but I acknowledge them. I also have borderline personality disorder, and major social anxiety, it feels like a wall is stopping me from leaving, then mania sets in after I've spent an hour hating myself and by that stage I don't trust myself driving. Or I will start to get ready and hate myself all over again.
And yeah you're right on the money same emotions just to the extreme :)

Thank you for this post. Today was a very bad day for me. I hit a big low. Lower than I think I've had since I was officially diagnosed almost 3 months ago. I think it started when my doctor changed my meds exactly a week ago. When I called her today I was frantic. The change in meds did not sit well with me. The past two days I was feeling great. Besides some mild head aches and dizziness I didn't think anything of it. Then today, I crashed hard. I woke up tired, I cried for no reason. Had breakfast with a friend and cried again. Cried while I was driving, shopping, and at work. I couldn't stop the tears. I was having full blown anxiety attacks. My doc called me back and adjested my meds again and set up an appointment in the next couple days.
Now its late, I've calmed down but I'm still feeling low. I know I'll feel like this for days to come before I get back to "normal". Id like to say thank you because you touched on every sore spot I have. All my fears you stated. A boyfriend that tries but will never understand. A daughter that saw me in tears and told me she loved me and wants me to feel better. A "friend" I recently deleted from FB for talking bad about Bipolor people. And just like you said, I joke about being bipolar so that i dont take it to heart and hurt. But it hurts when others joke about it, it feels more like a stab in the back. Mostly just wanting to be done with this roller coaster. Im so tired and drained. I feel alone but I know I'm not alone. My family will never understand and till this day talk about me behind my back. Like you Sara, my hope is that one day people will understand I'm not faking it, or being dramatic, or have a bad attitude. I hope one day the people in my life will support me instead of critisize me. I'm 30 yrs old and I'm finally admiting I have a problem and seeking help for it. Its nice to know that I'm not alone even if at times it feels this way.
So thank you for this post.

I am stunned that your post/blog sounds much like the way I write in my diaries. It's pretty scary and comforting at the same time(if that makes sense).
I have had bipolar, and misdiagnosed as most are, since I was a kid.
Unfortunately, some of the meds I am on(and maybe menopause too & age - just turned 53) have wreaked havoc on my memory, so I cannot pinpoint how many years since it was added as a diagnosis. I think about 3-4 years.
Reading everything here, the post and replies makes me a little more hopeful.
I thank you again for your post because it makes me feel less like "I'm the only one".
Just got off a bad episode and I am a fast cycler - on a really bad day I can cry then be on top of the world, do anything, get anything done, every 1/2 hour or so.
I apologize this is my first post and I tend to be very verbose.
No kids which I am thankful because I know that it would be way too much for me. A husband who is a saint, but does not understand "bipolar" and as I am educating myself I am trying to educate him too. If I lost him I think that would be it for me.
Once again apologies - off topic as usual.
I applaud all of you and am glad to have "stumbled" onto this site and can read posts and blogs so I don't feel so alone.
I have no problem telling people I have bipolar but most just do the "uh, ok" and don't really, fully understand what it is or what it's like.
I am in the process of finding a psychologist as I am realizing that the meds are not the only thing that's going to work for me.
I've developed a phobia for making phone calls(doesn't bother me if I get them, I just unreasonably delay, put off or do anything else but pick up the phone). And some other behaviors have arisen as well.
So, back to med adjustments.
And we're (I'm) off topic again. And I'm sorry for the humor it's my coping mechanism as well. I take this very seriously - I'm just really new at it.
So, before I chicken out and erase all this, one more thanks to EVERYONE on this blog/post, for sharing, giving us all hope and especially for letting us all know that "we're not the only one".

I'm getting a rediagnosis. I experience sharp emotions of anger, depression , sadness, hate, and they come and go multiple times in a day. I'm pregnant, so I'm sure it's multiplied. Stress of finances is also making life tricky. I feel like the ball is gonna drop, and everything break once and for all.

Hi Andrea, we are sorry to hear about what you’re going through. We want to let you know about some resources that are available to help you. Please call the Crisis Hotline or Text Line you can access by calling 1-800-273-8255 or texting START to 741-741, as we are not a crisis center. For a list of international crisis centers visit this page:http://iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

If you are not in a crisis and want to talk to someone online, we recommend the websitewww.7cups.com It’s a free, anonymous online chat with a trained listener.

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