Author: Matthew Palmieri
Accepting a Bipolar diagnosis can take many years. Some may never come to terms with the illness, living in denial while it wreaks havoc on everything held dear. I know that was me for about 9 years after I was diagnosed.I wouldn’t even dare google the word ‘Bipolar.’
It wasn’t until I saw the illness destroy friendships, romantic relationships, jobs, and creative pursuits that I finally accepted it wasn’t ever going away.
I know one of the main reasons was because after severe manic episodes, I would be prescribed medication that would eventually bring me to a manageable baseline, before the symptoms would then take hold again without me realizing.
Once I finally turned to long term and on-going treatment, I was able to begin the process of avoiding denial and learning how to channel manic energy and depressive isolation, allowing space for symptoms to run their course.
The Long Road
Most times it feels like my symptoms never really go away. It’s a sad but sobering truth. My irritability often stays, while both manic and depressed. Often times it’s difficult for me to differentiate between my mood states, and they’ve often gotten more intense as time goes on. Therefore, I’ve developed a system of non-negotiable treatments that really do mitigate my symptoms.
Art Therapy
I channel my grandiosity with creative pursuits so I can pause the pressure I put on myself with allowable goal oriented thinking and behavior. I’ve learned over time these pursuits don’t have to be a means to an end. Although having a finished product can give me a sense of completion and a tangible reward, I find it’s the act of creating and pursuing that puts me into a trance-like state. If I do finish something, it feels great but I’ve learned to let go of the result.
If it’s a song, I don’t pressure myself to finalize a structure to collaborate with others on. It could be a 30-second or minute long idea and I leave it at that. If I want to be a part of bigger project with other people involved, I may channel my desire to manic spend through investments as a producer. Therefore, I’m not just throwing money away on something that gives me nothing in return. With writing, I focus on letting my thoughts out within this format. Focusing less on result and more on process has helped me look at these endeavors as outlets.
Exercise
Getting at least 45 minutes of daily movement, with another 15 devoted to more intense, increased heart-rate exercises can provide me with more peaceful relaxation after work.
I may still feel depressed and far away from my goals and who I want to be in this life, but I find I’m kinder to myself on the other side of movement.
Dig Into Routine
Sometimes on my days off, I suffer from higher levels of depression.
While I’m working, I’m dreaming of my freedom. When my time is free, I dream of being busy. The paradox can be intense but filling my days off with set routine just like my days for making money has helped.
Sleep It Off
I may fail some days more than others and when I feel let down by my progress, I tell myself it’s ok to get a little extra sleep to try it again tomorrow. This way I don’t fixate and ruminate as much. Getting more sleep prepares me better for the next day, with a fresh and clear perspective.
Who I Am is Where I’ll Be
One of my biggest challenges is encapsulating it all within mindfulness.
I remind myself the goal of these treatment activities is to avoid a full blown episode. The benefits are just byproducts of the effort. For myself, oftentimes a manic episode doesn’t immediately come out of nowhere. There’s a swelling, kind of ramping up.
It can be a series of unfortunate events that lead me to fall under the spell of extreme mania and deep, dark depression. When I undersleep, I know I am putting myself at extreme risk.
Hindsight has afforded me the ability to understand and truly grasp the severity of an episode.
The goal of channeling manic energy is to provide an outlet for something that can’t be completely dismissed. Something that comes up when I’m fixating during more extreme symptoms.
Sometimes my mania gets a little pent up.
Where is it going? Hopefully towards somewhere constructive.
Once I remind myself how far I’ve come and how much I’ve changed from who I was when I was untreated and at the whims of the illness, I can give myself space to accept the imperfect nature of my life. I can only hope and let it go.
