Author: Melissa Howard
Navigating marriage with bipolar disorder (BD) is a journey of love, resilience, and continuous learning. Bipolar disorder can add unique challenges as well as hardships to a relationship, but with open communication, mutual understanding, and effective coping strategies, a strong and healthy marriage is absolutely possible. Understanding that BD symptoms do not just affect the individual living with the disorder but also the spouse, creates a joint effort when tackling the first warning signs of an arising episode.
My self-awareness as well as my spouses’ knowledge of how BD affects me and our marriage has been key. This learning curve followed a process of trial and error and did not show up all at once. Everything from medication changes or adjustments, growing our family, financials, managing my stress levels and self-care routine has all been strategically implemented in order to balance my disorder, while showing up for my family in the healthiest version of myself. Our communication with each other continues to evolve – the same way BD changes as I age. We have entered a new stage in our lives. What worked when we were raising our young family, has shifted focus from raising young children to guiding and supporting a teen and young adult. With this progression, there has been an increased awareness about our relationship and how we connect as a couple not just as parents. Though our communication is challenged periodically, couples therapy has been an essential tool in providing advice as to how to navigate this transitional time in our lives.
The following is a collective of questions I have asked my spouse with regards to being the partner of someone who lives with bipolar disorder. Understanding and acknowledging my spouse’s experience has been as essential as his support towards me.
Q & A:
1.What has it been like for you living with me while I manage bipolar disorder (BD)?
Living with you has been a learning experience. As our relationship has evolved, I have a better understanding and heightened awareness of changes in mood that have allowed me to adapt and be a better partner in terms of providing positive and helpful support.
2. Are there things about BD that you wish you knew better?
Early on in our relationship, I wish I knew how different cyclical factors could impact behavior, and also how to identify triggers and struggles that if caught early enough, could have helped me manage and support you in a more empathetic manner.
3.What is the hardest moment you have experienced because of my illness?
The most difficult experience has been trying to manage and cope in a time of mania or during a depressive episode. Shouldering a lot of the pain is difficult during these experiences, as I am alone and I feel responsible and therefore assume a tremendous amount of guilt that I am at fault that you are feeling this way.
4.Are there times you have felt afraid, confused, or helpless? What did you do in those moments?
Feelings of confusion and helplessness have been common emotions when you’re experiencing challenges – and it is hard not to internalize my feelings. Reaching out to friends and/or family and having regular therapy appointments have helped as a sounding board in order to understand that I am not alone.
5.Do you feel you have the space to express how you are feeling in our relationship?
Early on in our relationship I would say that I had to temper my voice and I didn’t freely share my feelings – I always thought my feelings came second and my role was to show strength and perpetual positivity, which I later realized was unreasonable, imbalanced and created an unhealthy dynamic. Fast forward to today, I am selective in terms of when I share my feelings – trying to “read the room” before delivering unfortunate news or a point of contention I believe is important so it doesn’t result in a strong negative reaction or ultimate disregard.
6. Are there things that make it easier – or harder – for you to support me?
There are times where I think the “easier” way to support my you in a time of need is to give you whatever you want in order to avoid conflict at all costs. This has adapted over time as it created a negative feedback loop – listening to you and carefully assessing why you are reaching out has helped solve your needs. What is difficult in terms of supporting you? As an individual who does not have BD, it is challenging for me to get in your mind as my self-rationalization approach is not what you want to hear. Saying that everything is going to get better and not validating your feelings in a time of need, only causes a disconnect in the relationship.
7.When I’m experiencing mood shifts, how can I best communicate what I need from you?
Open communication is key – expressing all thoughts can help circumvent any negative actions that may arise in a period of mania or during a depressive episode. We have to understand that there isn’t a magic wand that can cause all negative thoughts or pain to simply disappear.
8.Do you feel that BD affects your day-to-day well-being or routine?
Generally speaking, living with you does not impact my day-to-day way of life. However, there are aspects of our lifestyle that have been modified given the experience and learnings we have had together. Limiting change (temporary or permanent) as an example, is something that is always top of mind as stress could lead to a negative adjustment period.
9. Have you ever felt like you have to “walk on eggshells” around me?
There are times where I have to be sensitive to the situation or the state of mood that you are in. Adding additional stressors or boiling up a level of conflict can be easily avoided by simply dissociating.
10. What are the things that help you recharge and care for your own mental state?
Sleep is always critical and a great stress release involving physical exercise have always been positive actions to help me recharge my battery. Having a great support system of family, friends and professionals has helped provide me with guidance and relieves some of the mental toll.
11. How do we balance your needs with mine – do you feel like there is room for both?
Balancing both our needs is important. There are waves where one of us may need more support than the other – however, that is common in most relationships. Identifying our strengths, understanding our respective individual objectives and being able to communicate this regularly so we are on the same page, is an ongoing process.
12. What have we learned together through this journey that you’re proud of?
The aspect that I am most proud of when I think about the journey with you is that irrespective of the challenges we have experienced together, that we have not given up and thrown in the towel. While our relationship has had its ups and downs, I believe our conflict resolution has led to an even stronger bond given the undivided love and respect we have for each other. While some of the new problems and challenges we will experience in the future may be different, we have learned the tools and ways to appropriately address issues that will help us overcome adversity.
13. Are there moments you can look back on where you felt especially connected or strong as a couple?
The interconnectedness with you has been particularly strong during periods of positive life events – new home, new job, bringing children in to the world and seeing them grow up and watching their own individual successes. Experiencing these moments together makes our relationship a true partnership for these successes to be achieved. I would also add that having a regular dialogue with you and experiencing “us” time is a key part to feeling connected.
14. What do you need from me as a partner moving forward?
Ongoing trust and support, where open communication is one of the biggest factors will allow our relationship to continue to grow. It is important for you to be able to learn my feelings without any pre-judgement and there aren’t any negative feelings that one’s feelings are any more important than the others.
15. Are there things we could do together to make living with BD easier – for both of us?
You and I understand certain triggers that could impact your BD. When we travel, it is important that we get our regular sleep, that we eat all meals and at a consistent time, and we limit anything that may induce a trigger in behavior (excessive drinking, shopping, etc.). Coping with any change in environment is something where we have a heightened awareness.
16. How have you found couples therapy – do you feel it has helped with your knowledge about the illness and how it presents in me?
Finding a balanced couples’ therapist has been key – by balanced I mean, a therapist that fully hears and understands both of our perspectives and does not lean and give preference to you because you live with BD. Our current therapist is very inquisitive and provides a very balanced perspective and is not afraid to challenge and opine on certain feelings or behaviors. As with everything, finding a great fit has been beneficial to us feeling comfortable sharing our thoughts in a safe and unbiased environment.
Marriage with bipolar disorder requires patience, teamwork, and ongoing adaptation. But love is not about perfection–it’s about showing up for each other, even during the hardest moments. With understanding, effort, and the right tools, a relationship cannot only survive bipolar disorder but thrive alongside it.
Stay tuned for part 2!
The content of the International Bipolar Foundation blogs is for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician and never disregard professional medical advice because of something you have read in any IBPF content.
