I’ve noticed that after I wrote my last post about why I’m grateful about being on the psych ward some opinions were unflattering. I understand that for some people it may have looked like those three weeks of hospitalization were three weeks of holiday. Not for me unfortunately. 

I’m the only one who knows how bad things were at that time. How bad they were since I was diagnosed five years ago and my life was a very unpleasant rollercoaster ride. Through five years I’ve had at least five big depression episodes and five manic episodes before or after depression ones. And I’m just twenty four.  I have no idea how many episodes I’ve had before being diagnosed because I don’t even want to think about it. I’m also struggling a lot with rapid cycling so I have no idea in which mood I will be tomorrow.  Or how my mood will change with an hour or six. I’ve lost many friends, jobs and a lot of money. Probably I’ll never be able to forget about things I’ve done. 

So being a psych ward patient wasn’t the worst thing I could have imagined. Actually I was always prepared for that. I’ve seen sad and scary things there. I could have cried a lot but I didn’t want to spend long months there so I’ve decided to be strong. And I think that I’m my own hero just because I’m able to find some good things in this difficult time. And it won’t be the only reason why I feel to call myself like that. 

I’m a hero especially after this life changing experience. Because since I got out I’ve really started to change my life. And trust me I’ve never put so much effort into to feeling good. From small things like quitting coffee, sugar, sweets etc. I’ve started to eat really healthy and drink a lot of water. Now I try to exercise every day, I take vitamins, sleep well, and track my mood day by day. I’ve read a lot of helpful books and try to use techniques from them. I use positive thinking, I’m grateful, I’m planning for the future.  Step by step I’m creating my new healthy lifestyle. And last but not least- I take my medications as prescribed. I’m in touch with my doctor all the time and there is seriously no force that can make me quit my meds. That’s the first part. 

What’s next? That I’ve also really changed my thinking. I’m working on myself even harder than I work while exercising. My perfectionism, all-or-nothing thinking, social anxiety, guilt, inability to complete tasks etc..  I’m not trying to run away from myself anymore. I’m looking for stability not adventure. I want to live but not fight. I’ve never tried so hard.  Why am I doing all of this? I’ve had so many bad episodes earlier, a few suicide attempts and never changed my behaviour and attitude. So why now?  Because of being on the psych ward.