Author: Nikta Niazi
Lately, more than any other time, I felt attacked by my obsessive thoughts and my critical inner voice.
At nights, I can’t go to sleep. I spend hours reassessing the past, things I’ve done, decisions I’d made, all the memories I had with those who no longer exist and in general my life.
I put my life before my eyes trying so hard to pick wherever I made a mistake in order to prevent the future ones. It’s like unconsciously I believe I am more prone to making mistakes than right choices. I think that’s my critical inner voice. Harsh and strict, no love, no mercy, never satisfied. So cold and rigid.
At the end, I am not only clueless but also tired and unhappy with my life. I feel alone, not acceptable and full of flaws and mistakes. It’s like I will receive a prize if I be absolutely critical to my self.
While the real story is totally different. The negative thinking and the obsessive thoughts give me a false perception. If I get a chance to put the voice on mute, I will be able to think sharply. I will be able to see that I didn’t make everything nasty and I wasn’t the one who made all the wrong decisions.
Last year I decided to walk out of an unhealthy relationship. Unhealthy in a way that I was constantly left feeling unworthy, not loveable, full of flaws and incapable. I wasn’t able to feel connected to my self and as a result I couldn’t give love to anyone. The ex is not the only one to blame. I definitely had my share too.
It’s true that sometimes we don’t know better to do better but It’s not fair to be harsh on ourselves. Besides, our mind is tend to be forgetful. So it’s not the right thing to assess a decision made some while ago. It’s already expired.You don’t have the same knowledge, same feelings, same intentions and the same situation. So there is no way for this to be a fair judgement.
All this said, one thing I learned is that I am able to assess the experience and appreciate the experience itself.
Because of the many precious lessons it has taught me. I learned more about relationships, how to set clear boundaries, how to believe in my self and support my self while I am all on my own.
Then, when I change my thoughts direction, from being all negative and self critical to being grateful and self compassionate, my mood instantly shifts from a state of stress to a calm and positive feelings. I no longer feel like a victim of situation instead I feel in charge of my life. I feel motivated to make new choices and believe in my decisions. Gratitude comes like a water to my fire and make me feel calm and confident. It comes like a sun in a cloudy sky. Gratitude helps me see things clearly and fairly. You can’t judge if you are sitting in the dark and can’t see the full picture. That’s the same with our thoughts, we can’t be fair to ourselves if we see things completely black or dark. Gratitude makes the colour toned out and everything else more balanced.
It’s highly recommended. When the obsession comes and you feel under attack, just close your eyes, put your hands on your heart and thank the life itself for bringing such a rich experiences to you. I deeply appreciate all the things life has taught me and this makes me feel brave. I lived my life, even if I didn’t know better at that time and made mistakes. I guess that’s what we are here for.