Author: Lisa Rabey
I was once fired from my job for my bipolar rage.
I was not getting along with my co-workers. I tried so hard to fit in and make the working environment comfortable for everyone. Yet, it seemed no matter what I did, the resentment between us grew. Yes, I reported this to my direct superior but even they were puzzled about the animosity between myself and my co-workers.
Discussing my frustration not only with my boss, but also my husband or friends didn’t lessen the rage.
I am not physically abusive to another person, but I am verbally. I say hurtful things, I wish terrible things to happen to people. While I have never attacked someone while I was in a rage, it is not unusual for me to act out such as breaking things (we lost so many plates and other types of dishes when I was growing up).
But this time I took to social media to express my rage.
And that was my downfall.
When I started working in corporate America, I made the conscious decision to not friend my co-workers on social media. This time, however, I relented and friended a co-worker I had a good working relationship with. They are also bipolar and struggled with their diagnosis. I thought, great! This person knows how much of a struggle it is to be “on” during the workday.
I never once thought she would betray me, yet she did. Any comment that even hinted at rage towards my co-workers, she took a screenshot and after quite a few years (I do not know why she decided to do this after all that time), they submitted the screenshots to HR. HR interviewed me to find out what was going on and determined that what I was saying proved a threat to my co-workers and fired me that very day.
(The reason why I say she “betrayed” me is that she had the same thoughts and feelings about our co-workers but disclosed them to me verbally, so I didn’t feel alone. Joke’s on me!)
To be honest, I felt relieved being fired. Not only was this job triggering my rage, but I cried at least once a week about something job related. I was upset, of course, for losing my income and my work purpose. I’ve always worked since high school not only was getting fired a new concept for me, but it also showcased that no matter how much I worked to have a life worth living, my mental health was suffering.
I was diagnosed bipolar when I was a teenager many decades ago. And with the advent of the internet, I would search online for information on my diagnosis and found that most sites talked about mania and depression but rage, a common bipolar trait, was rarely mentioned other than in academic journals and websites.
Why is that?
For me, it’s the feeling of shame and guilt when the episode passes. It’s also that anything can trigger a rage episode. The way someone’s tone when they talk to me; people I refer to as bad drivers, when I get frustrated about something I’ve been working on, and hormonally when I’m on my period. The episodes are quick and brief, thankfully, but like losing my job as well as losing friends, they can have long term consequences.
Since my firing, I’ve been hyper vigilant about my rage. Recently something flipped my rage switch and I could feel it pushing to get free. I knew, just knew, if I opened my mouth, no matter towards who, fire would come out. So, instead, I calmly told my husband I was feeling rage (which is a lot harder than it sounds), and I texted my two best friends that I could not text with them right now. I grabbed my phone and sat quietly on the couch playing solitaire. My husband checked on me occasionally to make sure I was doing OK and eventually I was. It took a few hours but the rage subsided and I breathed a huge sigh of relief
Sometimes sitting quietly and playing solitaire is not always possible so I have crafted several different strategies depending on the scenario. For example, if I’m driving and someone does something I egregiously find to be offensive, I try to sit with myself and remind myself that maybe they are not having a good day and that it’s not really about me. I slowly breathe through my nose and count to ten. At first juggling bringing myself down to normal level and functioning was really hard! But the slow breathing, trying to be present, and showing up for myself does help. But after time, and practice, while the rage may light on fire, I’ve got the water to at least cool it down.
I have had rage episodes since I was fired but the work I’m doing lessens the reactions to the trigger. It’s hard work but it’s worth it, to me, to live a peaceful life.
