I will be ok, I am always ok

 I am scared. Truly, I am frightened by the thought of my disease. At times it completely surrounds every part of my being. The depths of my heart scream out for help, just looking for the right moment to let go. I am wondering if this will ever go away. Do I have to live with this pain and encumberance forever? What happens if I really do go crazy? What happens if I end up on the street? What will happen with all my bills and responsibilities if I end up hospitalized? Who will take care of this for me?

All these questions running through my mind as I am laying in bed alone with the lights off. Maybe this is just a phase, maybe it will be short lived. Maybe I am really not crazy and these thoughts are normal. Come on, everyone must think like this at some point, right? As I lay there longer I realize that not everyone thinks like this. Normal people don’t think about suicide, normal people don’t think about dying so early in life. Now, I am not suicidal at this point, I am just thinking about death and craziness and hospitals and my family. What will my family think? They have always been there for me before, but what if I go completely wacko, will they come visit?

Snap out of it Jake! Come on, this is only temporary. I will wake up tomorrow and the sun will be out and everything will be alright. I promise myself this and try to go to sleep. Have happy dreams, be happy, think positive, go to sleep. I do eventually drift off to sleep, thanks to my doctor’s well prescribed medication. And viola! I wake up peacefully, no worry, no pain. It is a new day and I have things to do and people to see. It will be a new day, yesterday is gone and last nights thoughts are in the books. Another night of overwhelming insecurity and potential breakdown is over. I will be ok, I am always ok, I will pull through and live to see another day. And today I will only think about what is right in front of me and I will do good today, I will do good.

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