Author: Lexie Manion

I have been in remission from bipolar disorder for six years now. The last major mood episodes I experienced due to bipolar disorder were a depressive episode a few years ago and a hypomanic episode a year ago. It’s been important for me to stay on a steady path now that I am accustomed to euthymia, which is known as the stable mood in between the throes of depression and sky-highs of mania.

Supporting Myself

I like saying that my medications keep me on a good path — they changed the trajectory of my healing for the past six years. They certainly contribute to it, but I am also skillful by practicing what I’ve learned in therapy and speaking up when I need support; it’s both the seen and the unseen. 

Now, halfway through pursuing my MA in Art Therapy, I have had all sorts of joys and successes to celebrate lately. And I’ve felt really happy. One of the most prominent impacts on my stable mood today is that I have immense support everywhere I turn. I worry I am on my own in some moments, but by some sort of stars aligning that light the path to who I am meant to be, I don’t feel alone anymore knowing the depths of support I have around me.

Maintaining Wellness

Something I’ve been wondering lately and keeping an eye on is my joy: “Am I too happy? Is this safe? Will I be okay?” The worry thoughts snowball. And my focus has to become that of the summer sun in order to melt all the anxieties away. Some would argue that the point of life is to build a life worth living — one full of joy, purpose, and meaning. While that is true, I have the additional sensitivities of mental illness to be aware of, like joy that can lead to mania and sadness that can lead to depression. I want to honor my worries the way I paint watercolors — knowing that there is an important story underneath every single paint stroke, yet honoring the sanctity of the here and now.

I don’t feel like my joy has veered off into a danger zone by any means, but it’s something to be mindful of. I still experience sadness and grief during my week, but I also recognize I’m happy and at peace. I have felt this way for years, but I’ve felt even more joy lately. A friend or a professor can say something kind to me, and I’m just glowing for weeks. It’s a new level of inner safety. I’ve known my chosen family for years, and it’s also meaningful to watch my inner circle grow. I’m finally feeling joy without the high that leads to an inevitable low.

There isn’t really one perfect guide to living life with our boundless choices and paths, but sometimes I feel guilty for feeling my joy when I know that others are struggling. It’s an interesting piece of humanity to hold. It does bring more meaning to being a helper — of showing our everlasting humanity we have fought for and hold onto so dearly. This joy I know right now is a stable and peaceful one, and I also want to make sure it doesn’t get too high. 

Being Mindful of Warning Signs

Hypomania or mania can occur when one has increased energy or activity levels. Hallmarks of these struggles may include engaging in impulsive decisions, having poor judgment, experiencing increased speech or texting, or having a decreased need for sleep. While I’ve felt happier energy in my body and mind, I haven’t experienced these warning signs lately. I have felt joy that feels so exuberant, but usually I can direct it to showing gratitude to myself and others, or by practicing self-care. As much as I’ve felt joy bubbling up in my chest and releasing it meaningfully into my art and writing, I simultaneously feel grounded in the tranquil peace of my heart steadying; I feel safe here. 

During this time, I’ve poured into relationships that feel safe and secure. My mentor has seen me through all my growth and successes (and declines and decays) for the past thirteen years, so I pay attention when she lovingly reminds me to keep pouring into myself. My process has always been to echo the support and validation I receive from others. Lately, I’ve been learning to give to myself first. Although I write and create art professionally and academically, I’ve also been working on pieces just for myself that make me happy. 

My Growing Edge

I wonder at times, for the years of depressive darkness I’ve experienced, if this is just what it means to be happy. I am grateful I am so aware of my past struggles and that I wholeheartedly want to maintain wellness, and I am also seeing that maybe it’s okay to let go of the worry a little bit to just live this new joy, peace, and safety. I get to define it for myself. 

Sometimes the answer isn’t to worry, wonder, or withhold, but to just fully immerse ourselves into the new possibilities and hope for tomorrow. Having a thoughtful eye on the past means that we will be ready for whatever comes tomorrow. I am giving myself permission to let go — not because I don’t care about myself, but because I want to be present to really live this and see it through. In sickness and in health do I support myself and come home to myself first. 

Lexie Manion (she/her) is a published writer, passionate artist, and outspoken mental health advocate. She graduated Magna Cum Laude with her BA in Psychology and minor in Art in May of 2024. Pursuing her MA in Art Therapy and working as an art therapy intern, Lexie strongly believes that art and writing are pillars of healing. You can find more of her work at lexiemanion.com or follow her on Instagram.