Author: Jamie Hopkins
As is the same with so many varsity athletes, training and competing takes up the majority of my time and energy, but more importantly, my passion and purpose.
So, when I found myself hospitalized with a mixed episode while in the midst of my first college badminton season, it shouldn’t have been a surprise that the only thing on my mind was getting myself out before my next tournament. I was in complete denial of everything that was going on around me – I don’t think I had a single conversation with any member of the staff that didn’t include me talking about my upcoming tournament. Be held for observation for two more weeks? Impossible. I had a badminton tournament I was going to be at.
The moment I was moved from involuntary to voluntary admission, I discharged myself and went straight to the college – just in time for badminton practice. The athletics department was aware of my whereabouts, and the decision was made that it was in my best interest not to travel to the tournament that weekend. I was completely distraught, feeling as though I was being treated unjustly and unable to recognize that I was in no place to be traveling out of town with the team. I couldn’t see past the current moment in that I needed to take a step back from my commitments in order to succeed in the long term.
A few months later, I missed another tournament. While I was still frustrated and upset, I could recognize that it was the right choice. I knew that not much had improved since November, and I knew that leaving an opportunity to get support at the hospital had not been in my best interest. I wrestled with thoughts to leave the badminton team for weeks out of embarrassment and frustration. I ended up being convinced to stick with it, and ultimately had a very successful end of my season, far surpassing any goal I had set for myself.
Fast forward to November 2024, and my second season with the badminton team. Coming out of the fall reading week and end of the soccer season, I was starting to feel that something might be a bit off. Realizing how closely things were seeming to align with the year before, and remembering how upset I was with my missed badminton tournaments, I jumped into symptom mitigation mode and planning how I would catch the episode early to stop myself from landing in the hospital once again.
However, some things are inevitable. I found myself sitting in the same emergency room, awaiting the same fate as I had exactly 365 days earlier. This time, though, I wouldn’t be making the same mistakes that had cost me much more harm than just an interrupted badminton season. I sent a message to the college’s athletic director to say that I would not be attending the upcoming tournament – I knew that if playing in that tournament was in the back of my mind, my decisions and judgment would once again be skewed. When my involuntary admission was up, I chose to stay as a voluntary patient as I knew that I needed more time to be able to leave in a better state than when I had arrived. I ended up returning home before the tournament, but I had no regrets in pulling my name and was proud of my shift in perspective to look at my long-term success.
Above all, it was the repetition of the previous year’s badminton schedule that led me to recognize the cyclical nature of my symptoms – highlighting the importance of routine in living with bipolar disorder. It is oftentimes we are encouraged to live in the moment and to not dwell on the past. Reflecting on the past isn’t just about sorrow and regret – it’s about recognizing your own unique challenges and experiences and learning how to turn them into opportunities for growth.
The first chapter of a book doesn’t disappear when you read on to the next. Every part of the story is just as essential as the next – the good, and the bad. Though I’ve seen many successes for myself in sport, in the classroom, and in the community, it was those badminton tournaments that I missed that taught me far more than any I’ve ever attended. Learning from the routines of your past is just like reading one of those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books time and time again: some things always stay the same, some things change, and when you choose a path that doesn’t take you to the best of places, you try something different the next time around.
The content of the International Bipolar Foundation blogs is for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician and never disregard professional medical advice because of something you have read in any IBPF content.
