Author: Charles Kelly
After being discharged from the hospital, I often felt lost and disconnected from the outside world. Conversations with others felt awkward and disjointed, leaving me confused about what had happened. Hitting rock bottom after a dramatic experience made me feel like I was in an unfamiliar headspace. My doctors did their job, and I was finally fully present for the first time in my life. This newfound presence was unsettling because I could no longer disconnect from the normal world as I used to. I was stuck in the present moment, unable to escape the depths of my own mind.
However, I realized how healthy and beneficial this was for my self-growth. I shouldn’t need to hit rock bottom to realize that having conversations in my head with my inner monologue and imagining places like Florida made the present moment feel like hell. I found that engaging with everyday life, such as talking to people I had never spoken to before, asking for feedback, and being mindfully present, was much more valuable than my comforting but ultimately toxic imagination.
The saying “Your comfort zone is where your dreams go to die” hit hard. My comfort zone was disconnecting from the present to dwell on the past or fantasize about the future – equally toxic for me. Every time I went to the past, I would see my manic episode and how sick I had become. I missed the biggest perspective: looking back on past trauma can liberate you. For me, it was a testament to how far I have come as a human being.
Yes, going into the hospital was embarrassing for me, but I was actively seeking help and outlets for my struggles. I used to reflect on other students’ successes, like graduating and getting married, thinking, “They didn’t have to go through a manic episode.” But then I realized my manic episode made me a better boyfriend, a better friend, a better student, a more reliable worker, and, most importantly, a happier human being.
These traumas liberated me and held me accountable for the damage that can be done by not following my doctor’s, therapist’s, parents’, and other people’s warning signs. Living in the future can be equally lethal. I remember being in a stock class just after getting kicked out of college. In my mind, I was already rich and knew everything; no one could tell me otherwise. I imagined my stock instructor taking me on a private jet to make more money. These thoughts were completely fictional. I believed I had the talent but lacked the actual skills to get there.
Similarly, after my episode, I had a job interview. I kept running through in my head what I was going to say, the questions I would be asked, and how I would be an asset to the job. Guess what? None of these things came up, and the interview went in a different, more positive direction. The interviewer gave me a job and talked about the project we were going to work on. Should I have stopped him and told him what to offer me before I showed him why? No. He taught me a crucial lesson: stay engaged in the present moment and don’t think you know how things are going to go because you’re not a fortune teller.
Once I finally shed my skin from the past and future – with a lot of help from my therapist – I became happy with the present moment and grateful for what I have. This journey wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. Now, I can look back and see how far I’ve come and appreciate the help and support I received along the way. Living in the present moment, accepting help, and being grateful for what I have were crucial steps in my recovery and personal growth. This newfound presence allowed me to see the value in everyday interactions and stay grounded, making me a stronger and happier person overall.
