Good afternoon readers, I need to write about an issue that’s growing by epic proportions and it hits close to home for me on a personal level, dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. I am not a clinical psychologist. However, I have experienced firsthand the pain of depression and fighting those thoughts.
Have you ever felt like you were a fragile piece of china? There were beautiful aspects to your life, but you were full of cracks? You were afraid to be you, because if you put yourself out there, like the china, if you were to fall apart you might shatter to the ground?
I thank God that I’m alive today to share this. Share the hope I cling to and reassure you that you are not alone in this fight. I hope something you read here you can relate to. I hope that it will speak to your spirit, you will be able to feel my prayers and love stretched across the miles. I want to share a poem I wrote for you, but first here is a quote that I found, that sums up how I feel.
Quote by Ned Vizzini, from the movie, It’s Kind of a Funny Story: “I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
Poem: Your Life Matters
She sits alone in her dark room curtains closed she does not leave she does not speak her eyes say it all, for all she once is just now a faded memory. With tears streaming down her cheeks onto her pillowcase, she writes her last words to the world, the voices in her head she cannot silence anymore, she can’t hear the word Hope, life to her is not beyond her four walls, the darkness has enclosed itself around her, she feels like she is in prison.
The clouds break forth it starts to pour down rain from heaven, no sun to be found she cries her last tear, because now she has no tears left to cry…. She thinks the pain will end, no in reality it has just begun. She wants to break free from this inner turmoil, she does not want to feel the pain, and she does not want to feel. She wants to bleed out her turmoil, sob desperately trying to find a way out.
What she cannot see, others see so is how Precious her life is, what a Gift to this world. Her despair blocks the sun she cannot feels the sun’s rays on her face. She grasps for anything, anything at all any reason to keep fighting, to keep living. She does not want deep down to die; she just wants this pain inside to subside.
She convinces herself to hold on to press on, fight, and see how she feels when tomorrow comes. A new day dawns, the light starts to return to her once empty eyes. She knows there will be tough days ahead, but now she knows she is never alone. There is always hope and ways to cope; with the never-ending, relentless pain of depression. She opens her window the sun shines through the blinds, she can feel the sun’s rays on her face bright blue sky, no clouds to be seen she sits for a moment to take it all in. to feel to know the person she is is still there inside of her, she is coming alive again. She is not flawed she is not weak, just a sign she has held on for so long and everyone needs someone to help them along.
Each life is precious, and is a gift waiting to be opened every single new day. I’ve struggled with bipolar since age 19, I’m 36 now. Depression and suicide is not a flaw, it’s not a weakness, and it does not mean you’re crazy. It’s just a warning that your body and mind is feeling overwhelmed and you can’t cope by yourself any longer and need outside professional help.
There is help out there. Over the years I had many serious suicide attempts and 9 inpatient hospital stays. I never want my bipolar to reach that again, that’s why I’m always talking out my feelings, or writing them down, and reaching out to others who are experiencing similar things. I’m not a just a survivor, I’m a warrior. Moreover, so are you! There were times I really felt like I wanted to die and other times I wanted the pain to end. There is always hope! No matter how dark your cloud is, there is always a small glimmer of hope, all you need to do is reach out.
Just remember it’s the truth, Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Read the rest of Natalie’s post for ibpf here or visit her personal blog at www.rtwtoe.blogspot.com