Author: Lisa Rabey
Every December it would be the same: I would sit down and draw up a list of resolutions for the upcoming year. The list would be long, highly detailed, and frankly impossible to execute. Most may write, “exercise two or three times a week.” I, however, would write “exercise every week on Monday / Wednesday / Friday at 6 a.m. Do at least two cardio classes and one yoga class.”
Maybe at first glance this seems reasonable because of the details but for me, it would trigger a cycling period of mania and depression. I would get manic by rapid thoughts and not sleeping or eating before the class. At first, getting up at 5:15 a.m. to get to a 6 a.m. kickboxing class seemed natural to me. As the weeks would go by, I started resenting getting up so early and I hated the class. I also really didn’t enjoy kickboxing! I started skipping the classes which led to not exercising at all since I was so intent on kickboxing, other classes didn’t seem viable. I would not accept a substitute! The depression grew because now that I wasn’t doing what I set out to do and I felt like I was failing, I was clearly worthless. How could I reasonably live my life when I couldn’t make a 6 a.m. kickboxing class work?
Like clockwork, this happened every year. In December came the mania and massive list of things to do for the following year and by mid-February, I was depressed because I had not started most of it, let alone complete it. Through medication management and talk therapy, I would eventually climb out of the hole only to do it again a few months later. For years, the cycle was never ending.
I’ve been living with bipolar one for over 30 years and stabilized for 10. I keep detailed journals to track my moods so I’m comfortable with noticing the signs or triggers that send me into a manic and depressive cycle. But with New Years resolutions? I just kept hoping one year would be the year I was successful at completing my goals.
A couple of years ago, I had a breakthrough. One, I didn’t need the celebration of the new year to do something I thought would improve my life. If I want to learn Latin, sign up for a language app and begin! No need to wait until the new year. If I’m not speaking fluently in 30 days, that’s fine! Despite my rapid cycle thinking, the world won’t actually end if I’m not conjugating verbs! (I did do a Latin language course, and it was a lot of fun! I’m a word nerd so seeing the etymology of many everyday phrases and words was exciting. Have I used it since I finished the course? No. But it did spark an interest in learning new languages.
I have osteoarthritis in my right ankle. Aquatic exercises help with the pain management and flexibility of the joints. I’ve always wanted to do aquatic exercises so instead of joining a gym (which I did every year) that didn’t offer these classes, I found a gym that did even though it meant it was a longer drive. Second, I gave myself a lot of grace. Can’t make the Monday aquatic class? No problem! Same class is on Tuesday and Wednesday. Can’t figure out how to construct a sentence in Latin? It’s fine! There are a lot of resources I can use for helping rather than giving up.
Third, I stopped aiming for perfection. This point was especially difficult to accept. Just because I wasn’t 50 lbs thinner, speaking fluent Latin, or a master bread maker did not mean that my life was without worth. By accepting a B to B+ life, I found I could breathe a bit better, and the rapid cycling slowed. I also didn’t force myself to learn something that didn’t really interest me. Turns out I really don’t like kickboxing, but I do enjoy weight lifting. By swapping the exercises, I found going to the gym to be a likeable experience rather than one of distraught and misery.
For myself, my bipolar diagnosis may seem like a routine. I get up, I take my meds, and I try to live my best day. When throwing New Year’s resolutions into the mix, my routine was off. By foregoing the New Year’s resolution cycle, I could easily work a new thing into my life with less impact. I made it work for me rather than making me work for it.
Am I an Olympic swimmer, master bread baker, or fluent in a language? Nope, but that’s okay to not want to be. By giving myself that grace I mentioned earlier, I didn’t feel the stress, or trigger my manic depression, to be perfect. I had finally accepted myself for who I am and I’m happy with her.
Lisa Rabey was diagnosed with bipolar one in her early 20s after having a manic phase. She experienced smaller manic and depressive states for many years until she had another large manic state in 2014. By early 2016, a working combination of drug and talk therapies finally worked and Lisa has been in recovery ever since. She can be found across the internet as @heroineinabook.
The content of the International Bipolar Foundation blogs is for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician and never disregard professional medical advice because of something you have read in any IBPF content.
