Mania, Anger, and Guilt

Mania is a very tough subject for me. When I’d go through the manic episodes it was very painful. I’ll admit, after I dealt with it in therapy, I just wanted to forget about it, but I know that’s not right for our readers. So, here goes… 

I deal with mania a lot. When I would get angry, anything would and could set me off. When I would get set off, it was very difficult for me to come back down to a normal state of mind. It was almost like an out of body experience. I could almost see myself getting angry and would be thinking, “Why won’t you calm down?” It was heartbreaking. 

To this day, I have moments where I feel terrible for what I put my mom and husband through. The two of them have forgiven me and they say that I didn’t choose to have this illness. I know that they’re 100% correct, but it’s still hard at times to remind yourself of that when it’s going to be forever a part of your past. 

What does that say to the rest of you, though? That you should feel guilty, too? No! If I’m saying that I should feel guilty about the mania, then I’m basically saying that others should too. That is not the message that I want to be giving out. No one should be living with that kind of guilt, myself included. 

Besides therapy, medication has helped me as well. I worked hard with my doctor to figure out what medications would work and what wouldn’t. I remember being in his office for the first time with tears in my eyes asking my husband and mother, “Am I going to be OK?” They reassured me that I would be. You know what? They were right. 

You are not bad for having manic episodes. I know how they feel and they’re not just emotionally painful, but physically painful as well. I just ask that you please find a way to manage them. We all do it in different ways. I have several different methods besides going to the doctor and medication. I also have my faith in God and Jesus, talk to my husband and mom, write and do other things as well. I encourage you to not limit yourself. Go out there and find ways to heal. You deserve a happy life. 

Sarah regularly blogs for IBPF and has done some YouTube Videos for their channel. She now writes on a regular basis for the Dallas Morning Post as well. 

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