Author: Mallory Beckwith, LPC
Sober living was a transition period for me. I was there for a total of nine months. I was staying sober from drugs and alcohol, going to IOP, and yet I still had not been formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Sobriety was the first step to stability though and I had to go through this process to get well. Going to AA meetings on a daily basis was a reminder why I needed to stay sober. It provided a solid community for me too. AA kept me in touch with God, who was central to my recovery. AA saved me in many ways.
While I had one piece of the puzzle in place, the other piece was not. I still needed my bipolar diagnosis and to get on medication to fully stabilize. Struggling with drug addiction and bipolar disorder is a beast. Getting sober is one thing, but getting fully stable is another. It is often a vicious cycle. Before I stabilized and got sober – I was having mood episodes – so I used drugs and alcohol to self medicate.
While in sober living I would struggle with suicidal thoughts at night and on the weekends. I was doing everything I could to stay on track and live a healthy life – I had a job, I ate healthy, I spent time with friends and family – yet I could not keep these dark thoughts at bay. Thoughts like “You’re worthless, no one loves you, you should just end it all.”
I was seeing a therapist at the time and talking to her helped. She understood the thoughts – but she didn’t know I had bipolar. Therapy is very powerful and helpful, but medication is also necessary for me. Sober living helped my brain heal from all the drugs and alcohol I was doing. But I was still undiagnosed. It was not until 2 years later and a few life threatening mood episodes and hospitalizations that I finally got diagnosed.
The thing is, I was able to hide how depressed I was while in sober living, but as my bipolar disorder progressed, things got so bad there was no way on this Earth I could hide how horrible I truly felt. That’s when I hit rock bottom (another rock bottom) and went to the psychiatrist to get help. It’s unfortunate things had to get so bad before I really got help. I wish there was a way to get diagnosed sooner to get help before the illness gets worse. But I am grateful that, over time, the medication worked and I finally stabilized.
Sober living was a healing place for me to focus on myself, be of service to others, and to be a part of a community. These are all things that help with the recovery process. While it didn’t “fix” me, it was a stepping stone on my path to getting better. Every stage of my journey was a step in the right direction. It is important we look out for members of the community who are struggling with mental health problems because they could be living undiagnosed. Getting a diagnosis, although difficult, can provide hope for healing and a better future.
Mallory Beckwith is a published author who wrote a disturbingly powerful memoir, Bipolar Flames, on her journey getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder, fighting addiction, and grounding back into reality after years of being psychotic. Mallory is Christian and writes about how the power of her faith helped her get through some dangerously low episodes in her book. The book gives hope for those struggling with severe mental illness and clarity to family members of a loved one who has bipolar.
The content of the International Bipolar Foundation blogs is for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician and never disregard professional medical advice because of something you have read in any IBPF content.
