September is Suicide Prevention Month. This is my story of my suicide attempt on September 12, 2014. I have chosen to share this to raise awareness – it has never been told before.
Blink. “One, two, three.” My limp body slid to the ER table. Blink. The bright light. Blink. Scissors cutting my shirt. Blink. “She’s crashing!” Black. I heard my mom’s voice, felt her touch. I could see my grandparents and my mom looking at me. “She’s not ready.” Black.
I woke up about 18 hours later. I was told I woke up earlier only to be sedated again because my behavior was erratic and I was unable to calm down. When I opened my eyes I realized I had an IV and was in a hospital bed. I had very little memory of what happened. I didn’t know how I got to where I was. Looking around I realized I was alone. There was a tall security guard standing outside my door. We made eye contact, I looked away and dozed off. I don’t know how long I was asleep for, but I woke up to a nurse saying my name. Her eyes were a deep brown, she wore a serious, but sympathetic smile. “Do you remember what happened, Laura?” I replied no. “You tried to kill yourself. You’re very lucky to be alive.” She waited for me to say something and I didn’t. We made eye contact again. “You crashed twice, once in the ambulance and once in the hospital.” I looked at the IV in my arm and closed my eyes.
I woke up a few hours later. My memory was coming back to me. I remember setting the pill bottle down on my bathroom counter. I knew my limits, even with a serious addiction. I remember not stopping from taking more. I remember taking four Percocet and four Valium. The hospital told me I had at least double if not more than that in my system when they ran the blood work. What I don’t remember is how I got to the hospital.
The person who found me chose to remain anonymous. They told me that I had called them and left a strange voicemail. By the time they reached my house my lips were blue and my breathing was shallow. After a call to 911 the local sheriff came out. He insisted I would “sleep it off,” but had medics come to take a look at me just in case. I was told that as soon as the medics took one look at me they immediately started doing emergency care and took me to the hospital.
At the time, I didn’t realize how close I was to taking my own life. I pushed so hard to fight those feelings away for the sake of my daughters. However, there is only so long someone can fight on their own with no support. I don’t know if my friends saw the warning signs or not. Maybe they did and they were too afraid to say something. I am ashamed that I attempted suicide. I am ashamed of the fact that the first thing I said to myself when I woke up in the hospital was, “I couldn’t even get my own suicide right.” There were some very serious consequences to my actions and even two years later I am still dealing with those consequences.
I encourage everyone to be more aware of suicide and the warning signs. I wish someone had said something to me and helped me, even if it meant being hospitalized. Suicide is an incredibly difficult thing to talk about – for those who haven’t had the thoughts, for those who have had the thoughts, for those who have attempted suicide, and the families that are affected by suicide.
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If you are thinking about suicide, help is available. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting START to 741-741. For a list of international crisis centers visit this page: http://iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
If you are not in a crisis and would like someone to talk to online, visit the website www.7cups.com to chat for free with a trained listener.
Read more of Laura’s posts here.