I hate everything about mornings. Especially the waking up part. Also not a fan of birds chirping. Or sunshine. I’m not sure why I’m this way. I just tend to perk up at night, say around 7 p.m. That’s when I usually get a burst of energy and the desire to do something. I don’t know if this is part of the disorder, if anyone else feels this way? Or if I’m just nocturnal? 

The past few days I’ve really not wanted to get up. Andy’s been working nonstop and I feel like a single parent. I’m trying to keep on top of the dishes and keep the apartment from looking like a Hoarders episode, and failing miserably at it. I try to balance it by playing with my kids and doing fun things with them. They are hilarious. It’s like free, constant comedy. Except when they’re doing things I could strangle them for. I refrain, of course. But it’s been hard the past few days with him gone all the time. I can’t count the number of small catastrophes we’ve had, like a shelf falling off the wall in the garage and breaking pretty much everything it contained. And there are the general spills, spats, and tantrums of my children that slowly wear me down, little by little. I try to take deep breaths and remember that one day I’ll look back on this time and miss it.

As I wash a ketchup-coated dish off in the sink and look at the particles float away in chunks like a miniature condiment display of plate tectonics, I think about my life. Some days I wonder…is this as good as it gets? Writing is my outlet. It’s what keeps me marginally sane, I think. But I rarely have a quiet place to do it. If I do it, it’s between cleaning up messes, putting away dishes, or finding the time and motivation to shower.

Some days I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread. I’ve been trying to lessen the amount of Ativan I take, but it really is my savior sometimes. I don’t want to be a slave to this apartment. I don’t want to lose my cool with everything my children do. I want to be able to blow things off and laugh about it. And Ativan allows me to do that…so for now, if I feel I need it, I’ll take it. 

Maybe with time, I’ll look forward to waking up in the morning.

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