In every one’s life there are moments when you feel like you will never be able to get up and live again. I had one of those moments in my life. During which I thought I was done with everyone. I had crashed hard. Harder than I ever did. It was a really bad time.
It was a time when I was tapering off my medications. My doctor was of the opinion that tapering off the medication might help in weight loss. I had gained a lot of weight during the course of my treatment. All in all I gained like more than 20 pounds in just 3 months. I was severely depressed over it and it still causes me to have a low period as soon as I see my fat self in the mirror.
Anyways, I could not handle the tapering off really well. For the first few days I was okay but then I was unable to have sound sleep. I was tired all morning. It was hard to take care of my home and my son at the same time. I would rely on takeout food.
One day, things went so far wrong that I started questioning my reason for living. I felt like there was no need to live in this pain, no need to suffer. I was also questioning why I ever gave birth. How hard is it to raise a child when you have bipolar. Instead of listening to my thoughts I picked up the phone and called my doctor. He tried to calm me down and asked me to take my medication ASAP.
I also called my hubby who came back home to support me. He took me out for lunch and shopping. The whole week was so hard. It was like I was defeated. I worked so hard on not being like this but I relapsed. I relapsed the way I never thought I would.
It was getting harder and harder. Every day I was a defeated soul. It was so unlike me. I worked hard to be a good mom and manage my illness. One day, I came to realize that life is not fair. It is never fair. It never will be.
That realization was my wake up call. That day I decided that yes, I am going to crash and I am going to fall. But we fall because we need to get up. So now I am better than I ever was. I am more committed to my treatment. I am doing my workouts on time; I am trying to be more social and active.
It is just that like computers our systems crash too. The key is in re starting your system every time you crash. The key is to look into the eyes of the world and say “hello, I am back!”