I was 30 when first diagnosed with Bipolar type II, comorbid with borderline personality disorder. I finally reached out to a professional help after decades of hesitation thinking that I simply just a very “emotional” person. I was relieved as it felt like a validation, knowing that I was not just being difficult to work with, too emotional, or too complex. However, it came together with a feeling that I am an odd being with unfinished trauma, messed up thoughts, and broken.

I try to acknowledge that I need a longer time to do stuff, that for others is just a “regular thing.” But I am proud that I continue doing it!

After applying 9 times in the span of five years, I finally got a prestigious scholarship that I long for. I was away from my family for the first time, spent a couple of pandemic lockdowns abroad, but I finished my master degree. Though it was significantly hard, I finally let myself out of relations with abusive and toxic people. It has been over three years now that I am blessed with a job at an international organisation working on human rights, which is indeed very demanding and challenging, but I really love doing it, so I pressed on.

It is still difficult, but I am proud that I am here now. There were times when I immediately reached out to someone I trust when my head tells me to harm myself and end my days. More than just proud, I am thankful for having them.

I am proud that I am not just dreaming of something but later beat myself up out of not working on that dream. As I am really encouraged by this community and I feel like I want to take part, I am proud that I challenged myself and finally wrote my story here.

So I guess it’s okay if I’m having my episodes or relapsing every now and then, that I am still progressing; and I should not look down on myself because I have disorders or seen as disabled in people’s eyes.

I like handwriting to jot down my thoughts. With my rapid-cycling episodes, it helps to slow down myself whenever I feel overly excited  or easily irritated. If there’s no notebook, I’ll use anything I can find: payment receipts, sides of a book page, as long as I can do the handwriting. Whenever I am on a different episode and re-reading the note, it helps unwind myself. It’s like a prayer for me.

To be honest, I still sometimes feel like failing. I was very disappointed when I needed to increase my medication dosage. I am still learning to understand if I have ever made use of my condition by wrongly acting entitled for certain treatment or support from others. I need to continuously remind myself to better appreciate people around me and Saskia more (that’s me!). As I am writing this message, I still need to remember that I am okay, that I am enough, and every low moment I experienced is what makes me, me.

Writing here and sharing my story is one way. Maybe I can read it some other time and be encouraged with it, just like my handwriting notes. Hopefully you find a simple something to do to help you as you navigate this journey 🙂