Where is the strength? When did I lose myself in this madness? When I look in the mirror, I only saw sad empty eyes staring back at me. I didn’t recognize who I was anymore. I was afraid of being ME. It was only my reflection, but that’s all I saw, fragments of a tainted reflection of the person I once was. The light that once lit up my eyes, seemed to be gone, the enthusiasm for the things I once loved, seemed like only a far distant memory.
The dreams I once believed in, were as if they were like dust that was carried away in the wind. For so long it was like I had no desire to be outside the 4 walls of my bedroom. Life felt like I was living a dream, one that I could not wake from. This was how I felt for many years, I cried many nights, I felt so alone in my fight. I thought no one cared enough to look my way or heard what I was screaming. I wanted more than anything, for this relentless inner turmoil to cease. Have you felt like this? Is this how you feel right now? Well I have Hope for you… I hope my story shines down into the dark crevices of your life and shows you, there is Hope, there is Strength you have, inside.
Here I ‘am, I’ve been stable since 2004, here I ‘am 16 years later, using my story to touch others hearts, and shine light into the darkness. I realized in 2004 I had a inner strength, inside I never knew or understood that it existed. I had fought the war, and I came out victorious. I learned to see myself for more than just someone who was given a diagnosis of bipolar. I learned to let go of expectations, learned I may still fight the battle, but I know it won’t take me down.
I learned what it felt like to dream again, I started to live, not just survive and go through the emotions. It was not my end, but only my brand new beginning. I became hopeful. I searched and I found the light. The light returned to my once dimmed eyes. I now saw my world, through eyes of a survivor, living moment by moment, with a new sense of purpose before me. I found the Hope, when I searched for my strength deep within.