Self-loathing is something I do best. It never ends. I have knots in my stomach, bricks on my chest, a lump in my throat. Im anxious and depressed at the same time. I try to be positive. I read articles about how to get myself out of this. But I cant. It consumes me; it takes control, and no matter how hard I try to steer this boat, it sinks.
My self-talk is negative. Always. If I talked to other people the way I talk to myself, Id have no friends. And its not even intentional. The thoughts just come, and come, and never stop. Not until Im out of the low.
I beat myself up. For everything. Im a bad mom, Im a bad wife, Im a bad daughter, Im a bad friend, Im a bad teacher. I try to tell myself these are cognitive distortions; I know that logically. Yet all I want to do is cry.
I feel like a burden to everyone.
Ive been fighting this my whole life. Sometimes I just want to end it. End me. But I wont. Even though it seems like the only way to escape this pain, I wont do that.
My mind is a prison, and the key is on the ocean floor, tangled in the coral, oblivious as fish swim by. I cant get the key. I try. I try hard every day. I put on an act. I have to, to keep my job. I just want these meds to work.
Ive had good periods, where it seems like Im balanced. And then, for no particular reason, the meds stop working. I fall into a low and I cant get out. My boat sinks and I am flailing in the oceans current, constantly going under while everyone around me swims by with effortless strokes.
How do I get out? How? Someone tell me. No one can really help. I just have to keep myself from drowning until this passes, until I see the shore. You cant help me. You cant.
But you can swim with me, and let me know that it will all be okay.
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