Author: Melissa Howard
Opening up conversations about mental health as a family can feel daunting, especially when it involves complex conditions like bipolar disorder. Yet, as my spouse’s reflections reveal, beginning the conversations early and creating openness can create a foundation of understanding, trust and resilience for everyone involved. From navigating our children’s questions with care to modeling emotional support and working as a team through mood episodes, his perspective sheds light on the delicate balance of honesty and reassurance that guides us through the challenges of living with bipolar disorder as a family.
Starting the Conversation Early
- Melissa: Looking back, what were your initial thoughts or hesitations about introducing mental health conversations to our children at a young age?
Spouse: I am a firm believer that children need to hear age-appropriate explanations. When the children were very young and showed concern for my wife’s mood on a challenging day, giving a simple reasoning that they can easily understand was our approach. Often times this would lead to multiple questions being asked by our children but this also satisfied their curiosity. Children are concerned about their parents’ well-being so carefully striking a balanced message that they can comprehend and also dispel their worries is where a happy medium can be found.
- Melissa: What helped you come on board with the idea of openness around bipolar disorder in our home?
Spouse: Growing up, I wasn’t one who would widely share their feelings when asked. However, early on in our relationship, my wife was very open and communicative about her mood at a given time. As time went on, I became more and more comfortable discussing things that were bothering me, etc. I believe communication is key and an effective environment can be created where the other partner or members of the family can listen and learn where and how they can help support.
- Melissa: When our daughter first noticed something was “off” after our son’s birth, how did you approach talking to her about it? What did that moment feel like for you?
Spouse: Our daughter has always been very inquisitive. When she was young, she always asked many questions – either directly to me or my wife. Children naturally wonder if emotions such as crying are attributed back to them – they question whether it was something they said or their actions that caused such a reaction – almost thinking that the reason why Mom/Dad is sad is because of something they had done. Explaining the situation in an age-appropriate manner and reassuring them that there are other factors at play can be a challenge – but don’t forget to support the children and their needs at the same time.
- Melissa: Do you remember something our daughter said or did during that time that stuck with you—that helped you realize how much she was paying attention?
Spouse: Children are very observant and they will try and think of things they can do to help the situation. Our daughter did just that – being the creative mind that she is, she would take to her art table and with her colorful crayons and markers, she created cards or pictures of displays of happiness (the sun shining, words of love, etc.) with the objective of brightening up her mom’s day. My wife being the recipient of all of this affection would often times show even more emotion once the cards or pictures were presented to her. It was very evident that our daughter was trying to make her mom feel better.
- Melissa: When our son asked, “Where’s Mommy?” during my hospitalization, what was your approach in explaining things to him in a way that felt honest but not overwhelming?
Spouse: Our son was only three years old when my wife was admitted to a specific one-month program, which was designed to help my wife during a depressive episode. He didn’t understand at the time and the explanation was that Mommy wasn’t feeling well and was getting the help she thought she needed. We would visit often so he (and our daughter) could see their mom in her environment and they would look forward to the time together.
Modeling Healthy Coping
- Melissa: How did you model emotional presence and support—not just for me, but for the kids? What has allyship looked like for you as both a partner and parent?
Spouse: Supporting a partner and your children at the same time requires you to take on two separate and distinct roles and responsibilities. For your partner, support is twofold: as a listener and helping comfort certain feelings, and taking a more active role in ensuring the children’s lives are as minimally disrupted as possible.
- Melissa: What was your process for learning how to respond supportively when I was struggling? How did your understanding of mental health evolve over time?
Spouse: As noted above, I learned how to become more communicative since the beginning of my relationship with my wife. I had never been in a relationship with a partner who suffered from a mental health condition so coping and trying to be a supportive partner was, and still is, ongoing learning and adapting. I now ask more pointed questions about my wife’s feelings and I am aware of certain triggers (lack of sleep, regular meals, travel, etc.).
- Melissa: Can you describe a time when you stepped in quietly—whether it was managing dinner, taking the kids out, or simply holding space—without trying to “fix” everything? What did those moments teach you about partnership?
Spouse: Weekends would be a time when I would do our grocery shopping. It usually involved me taking the children with me and they looked forward to it as they were always able to select a treat – it also met a secondary objective in giving my wife some personal time on her own. As my wife was at home with the children, it was rare for her to have quality personal time when the children were young and at a pre-school stage. Relationships are often quoted as “give and take” and they require good communication to ensure certain needs are met for both partners. It can be as something as simple as giving personal time to go to the gym, read a book in peace and quiet, or catching up on some much-needed sleep.
Navigating Mood Episodes as a Family
- Melissa: How did we learn to navigate those episodes together as co-parents? What roles did you naturally step into, and which ones took time to grow into?
Spouse: In relationships or even as a member of a sports team or organization, every individual brings a different perspective whether it be looking to solve a problem or resolving a specific issue. Leveraging each other’s strengths and equally identifying your respective weaknesses can harness a “1+1=3” outcome where the partnership or team environment thrives on the relative strengths. There were aspects of our day-to-day life that I knew would make it easier on my wife as she was in a depressive episode – and being willing and open to help with certain tasks, whether viewed as appreciative at the time or not, allowed us to function more effectively. Simple responsibilities where you can be help that don’t take much time or require much finesse were the first to assume (housekeeping, laundry, running errands) and tasks such as cooking took time to grow into as I didn’t have the experience.
Our journey has shown that fostering an open communication and embracing emotional presence are essential not only for supporting a partner living with bipolar disorder but also for nurturing our children’s emotional awareness. Through patience, empathy, and shared responsibility, we continue to grow stronger as a family—learning to face each episode as a together while preserving hope and connection. His insights serve as a powerful reminder that, even amidst uncertainty, partnership and love remain the cornerstones of healing and stability.
