Author: Lexie Manion
I was diagnosed with bulimia as a teenager, a decade before my bipolar disorder was finally brought to light and diagnosed. Looking back, I clearly see the early workings of bipolar disorder in my bloodstream through my manic and depressive thoughts and behaviors. It’s a shame it was not caught until my adulthood, but I’m glad I understand it better now.
The delineated link between my bipolar disorder and life-threatening, shape-shifting eating disorder lies within my severe mood shifts and great denial of emotions. Clinically, I’ve struggled with anorexia, bulimia, and binge-eating disorder from adolescence into young adulthood. These nuances in behavior were also misunderstood by my practitioners because I was not fully educated on the behaviors and I carried a profound paranoia that made me not be honest about what I was experiencing. My eating disorder was recognized as bulimia for so long when really, it was anorexia at the beginning. I was paranoid in my bipolar that by eating three cookies, that constituted a binge episode. It wasn’t until years into my recovery that I began struggling with binge-eating where I actually consumed great amounts of food in one sitting. This distinction isn’t the most notable because I still received care, but the shame of carrying a struggle that I was too ashamed to talk about held me in the grips of it. My futility in following through with help was apparent, as I knew how to take the first step of asking for help, but I struggled to be consistent out of deep guilt and shame. I don’t like feeling like I am causing problems, but I’ve learned that asking for help sooner is the path of least resistance, as well as a relief to get my needs met sooner.
In early recovery, I was attempting to restrict my food intake by not eating for days because my emotions would become wildly out of control due to trauma and I was attempting to numb the distress. Not being equipped with the terminology or understanding of bipolar, I thought I was crazy for the emotional reactions I had. I was also working through childhood trauma that was not being properly addressed, so you have to know these emotions were all screaming out to be heard. When I used eating disordered or self-harm behaviors to quiet the paranoia or mania for a short while, everything poured abruptly out of the box at inopportune times because no one has the ability to keep natural, human emotions at bay forever. From the outside, it appeared I was “acting out” and was angry, which I was, but the bigger picture is that I had no semblance of safety or the correct tools to cope. I was at the mercy of both the eating disorder and bipolar disorder — the formidable monsters — and it felt like nothing could stop them. I felt the deepest compunction following my episodes and would try to correct behavior, but like I’ve written before, I didn’t know how to slow down or stop when I was manic. It matters to be forgiving to those who experience the highs and lows of bipolar disorder because we are all doing our best.
Six years ago, I had the second severe manic episode of my life and my psychiatrist finally pieced together that it was bipolar. Since then, I have been equipped with better skills and medication, and I find it easy to care for my mental health today. Along with finding the right treatment for my bipolar, I also am in remission from C-PTSD having done trauma work like EMDR. My emotions vary at times depending on what is going on around me, but I always go back to baseline, which feels soothing. I truly do not hear the eating disordered voices at all anymore; I feel free from the grips of trying to be perfect or trying to silence the pain. It’s taken a lot of practice and time, but I finally feel safe in my body and who I am.
Receiving the right diagnosis, my world has really opened up for me. I am living my dream continuing my advocacy work and working as an Art Therapy Intern in grad school. I can recall from being a suffering teenager, I dreamt of this moment for many years, and I didn’t think life would get better. It’s worth it to reach out for help and work with our team to get the right answers. Something clicked when trying my current medications for bipolar, and all the years of hard work in therapy aided me as I healed. My recovery today feels like indelible rays of hope lighting up my face, lighting my path as I brave the darkness of my past through art-making and writing.
It is not your fault if you are trying hard to numb your emotions in recovery — or whatever you may be facing today. Sometimes spiraling emotions are a sign of something deeper, like C-PTSD or bipolar disorder. You never have to walk this path alone and there are people out there who understand and want to see you feeling better. You may not have been yourself in mania or depression and you don’t have to punish yourself for struggling and being human. The right people will walk with you
The content of the International Bipolar Foundation blogs is for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician and never disregard professional medical advice because of something you have read in any IBPF content.