Author: Matthew Palmieri
Living with bipolar disorder often feels like walking a tight rope. Always on alert that an episode is pending, I am constantly vigilant to any shift in routine or sleep that may disrupt the balance I’ve achieved since fully accepting my diagnosis.
As much as I’ve wanted to believe that taking medication and speaking with a therapist solves the illness, it’s never been the case. These two coping tools are part of a holistic treatment plan with other strategies like exercise, utilizing creative outlets, having friend/family support, daily routine and regular sleep.
It’s taken me a long time to accept that these strategies have to be in place for me to live a “normal” and productive life. In fact, it took almost a decade after my initial diagnosis to fully accept and understand this. Julie A. Fast’s “Loving Someone with Bipolar” really helped me understand these nuances of the illness. It also helped me connect to a wider understanding of the objective realities I face. I took things less personally as a result.
I believe this to be a key feature to acceptance: I may have always known the big coping strategies, but understanding exactly how bipolar functions within the details took many, many years.
What’s less visible to the outside world are the countless daily battles fought in the quiet corners of my mind, buried under the stigma of and misunderstanding of mental health. Here are a few of the struggles I’ve learned to cope with over time.
Exhaustion from Masking
I’ve often hid my feelings for fear of judgment. As soon as I disclose my illness to someone, I feel like there’s no turning back and every negative action or behavior gets filtered through the illness.
I’ll often disclose my illness as a kind of preemptive coping mechanism in case things go south, but then I’ll likely regret it down the road.
Memory Loss
The blackout features of the illness are very real. I’ve had manic episodes where I remember glimpses of my behavior, but in reality, there are huge chunks that have simply left me, leaving me with confusion and at times, an inability to really learn from my past behaviors.
I’ll think, “Well, it’s over now so I should just move on.” When in actuality, I may have severely damaged an important relationship because of behavior I cannot recall.
It’s like I’m ready to move on but my friends and family simply can’t.
Sleep Struggles
All it takes is a couple nights of little sleep for me to become irritable, and pretty scared that I’ll trigger a manic episode.
Getting regular sleep is a part of the routine I need to function properly.
Even if I take my medication, exercise, speak with a therapist, etc., I still have to maintain a healthy sleep schedule. Otherwise, there’s a huge risk things may fall apart.
Medication Side-Effects
It took me very long to find a blend of medication that works best for me. Even so, dealing with weight gain and the constant question of, ‘Is this medication really worth it?’ can be exhausting and never ending.
It’s hard enough to deal with the ups and downs of the illness, but when weight gain is factored in, it can be very difficult to combat the low self-esteem that comes with the side effects.
There’s also the old adage of, “I feel fine now. The medication worked so it must be ok for me to go off it.” This is a very common reaction I’ve found.
Relationship Struggles
Before my diagnosis, I had many relationships where I simply could not understand my behavior. My irritability and inability to truly get close with loved ones was and is something I struggle with.
I may ask, “If I disclose myself fully, how will my partner react?”
If I want to have healthy relationships, self-awareness is crucial. It’s also crucial to give myself fully in an intimate relationship because it isn’t fair to my partner to hide myself.
Emotional Turmoil and Unpredictability
Accepting that bipolar illness lasts a lifetime can be a struggle in and of itself and many people who have the illness simply don’t accept this fact.
As much as I may struggle behind the scenes, I’m extremely grateful I’ve made it this far. Admitting I have a serious problem was step 1. Now I know it’s up to me to always keep an eye on my behavior, even if my efforts go unnoticed.
 
The content of the International Bipolar Foundation blogs is for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician and never disregard professional medical advice because of something you have read in any IBPF content.
