The Unseen

#TheUnseen is when mental and/or emotional fatigue leads to withdrawing, and depressed thought loops. It is when “I’m tired or “I don’t feel good” mean so much more. It is when you can’t even handle being around the people you love. It is when you wish you could confide in someone, but you can’t let anyone see that part of you. It is when people think you’re okay because you can laugh and smile. It is when you know the good feeling behind that laugh or smile won’t last, no matter how hard you try to hold on to it. It is when life seems to go on around you while you are frozen in time. It is when the thoughts come at you so fast from all directions, you can’t fight them off.

#TheUnseen is:

-Why did my parents treat me the way they did?

-Why didn’t anyone want me?

-I’m a terrible mother.

-I’m a terrible partner.

-I’m a terrible friend.

-I’m a terrible person.

-It is too late for me to repair my relationship with my daughter.

-Why were some people so cruel to me when I was a kid?

-I miss my aunt.

-I am scared of losing my grandmother and aunt.

-I’m scared of losing my family.

-I’m scared of losing myself.

-I feel like I am falling apart.

-I don’t know who I am.

-I don’t feel like myself.

-What am I even doing?

-I just want everyone to leave me alone.

-Why don’t they understand?

-I wish I could go back and start over, make better choices and be a better person.

-I wish time would stop.

-I feel empty.

-How can I step up and take care of my aunt and grandmother, my family?

-Why does life feel so mundane?

-I am so afraid of dying.

-I can’t stop thinking about my death.

-I feel like I’ve wasted my life and I am out of time.

-Does anyone truly love me?

-How could anyone love me?

-Why can’t I just be normal, and function like everyone else?

-Why won’t it stop?

-Why am I like this!?

-Why can’t I be a better person?

-When will these monsters in my mind go away?

-Why won’t my brain just be silent?

-Does peace really exist?

-Is any of it even real?

-When will I wake up from this?

-What are you doing to yourself?

-Don’t talk to anyone, don’t let them in.

-You’ll never accomplish your goals. Why bother?

-Just get rid of everything. You don’t need it.

-Just shut down. Everyone would be better off.

It is when all you want to do is run away, but you can’t run away from yourself. It is when you feel like no one cares or wants to know about #TheUnseen.

                              SEEN                                                                   UNSEEN

I wrote this in the midst of an attack. It has become almost like an automatic reflex for me to just start writing when I feel myself sinking into one of those spells, when I cannot seem to stop the thought loops. It is a comfort to me, not only because it gives me a way to get the thoughts out of my mind, but it helps me work through them as well. So instead of being bombarded with racing thoughts I can’t keep up with, I can look at the thoughts individually and remind myself how each one is just more mind monsters whispering their lies to me. It also provides me with an opportunity to share what goes on in my mind with others, so that they may better understand what I go through.

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