I went to my psychiatrist Friday for a follow-up from my initial visit a month ago. I’d had high hopes with the Wellbutrin/anxiety pill prescription combo. I felt better…happy…for a couple weeks. Then, depression set in. Like the can’t-get-out-of-bed variety. It sucked. I was hoping I’d found my miracle drug. So at my appointment Friday, I told the pretty, young nurse or whatever she is (I didn’t even see the psychiatrist) about my symptoms and started crying for some reason. I think it’s just that I’m so tired. I’m tired of looking. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of feeling like this. 

So now, I’m on Prozac. I asked about it because it’s the one thing I haven’t tried. It’s not really for bipolar patients because it can increase the mania…but I’m willing to take that chance, just to feel something good again. The day-to-day living is exhausting enough sometimes without throwing in the desire to cease existence.

The girl on Friday asked me several times if I’ve had the urge to drink lately. Ummmm…YES. Some days it doesn’t seem to cross my mind…other days, it’s all I think about. I think it was a bit easier over the fall and winter because I could just hibernate. Now it’s the season for cookouts, parties…and drinking. I’m more aware of it now. Plus, my husband’s been drinking more due to the season change/ubiquitousness of it. That’s made it harder for me, though I try not to let it bother me. Still, it is difficult at times to watch everyone around me catch a buzz while I sit
and experience life and all of its, at times, suckiness, without a means of escape.

I don’t want to drink again, and I know I can’t. Still, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Hopefully…hopefully…this new med combo will be the answer I’ve been looking for. It’d be nice to wake up in the morning and want to get out of bed…and not wish all day that it would be night again so I could be back in bed with a valid excuse. I’ve had some good moments over the past couple weeks, but it’s been mostly dismal.

So far…I took the new stuff Friday, and not long after threw up a few times. Yeah. Gross, I know. Then, I just felt kind of “high”/out of it yesterday…like, I-should-definitely-not-operate-heavy-machinery high. I don’t know if this is normal and then sort of passes…? Today I’m feeling better…. so cross your fingers for me that things might keep getting better and maybe even stay that way.