Author: Sophia Falco
Those lovely fireflies are prisoners in a glass jar on her kitchen table. Their trapped light on display like the diminishing light within my being. Depression is trying to extinguish my light, but I hid the fire extinguisher under my bed whereas I sleep too much to avoid emotional turmoil. I would like to free those lovely fireflies. The only way to release them I thought, is to smash the jar. (The lid has rusted shut on this antique mason jar.) Then shards of glass would be flying about, however I would be endangered even more. It is not worth the risk to do so yet at the same time, I don’t want to watch those lovely fireflies die out. I think of my spirit and want to shake it out of this depressed mood. Even the vibrant, radiant sun has not given my spirit warmth and could not thaw it out of this darkness. It is winter, but it is warm while my spirit is hibernating—that’s what my psychiatrist said. Hibernating. How do I make my spirit not hibernate?
I have a lot going for me in this life of mine, however it feels like I can barely get it together. I can barely get it together to even cook for myself so I ate 5 days old pasta hoping to not get sick while my clean clothes have been in a pile on the floor for over a week in order to use the basket for the dirty clothes. Bipolar disorder is a challenging illness, and sometimes I hate writing about, but I continue to do so anyways. I hate the word hate. If only my spirit could drink the sun’s rays. If only my spirit could drink moonlight. If only my spirit could get out of that cave. Sometimes I would like to cry, but I don’t in this house.
Fake it till you make it. I remember those lovely fireflies still on her kitchen table. They are not faking it till they make it—they are just being—but trapped. Their authenticity needs to be freed. With agency, I declared I would rescue them so I googled how to, but I cannot seem to help myself. I put the jar under a stream of warm water (if only my stream of consciousness were pleasant) and scrubbed the edges of the lid with a small wire brush. I opened the lid outside—freedom for the light—and only if it were that easy to free the light within.
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