This week my old friend really wanted to meet up with me. I just had a very deep depression episode and now Im trying to go back to society. Im looking for a new job, doing things which I used to love and doing as much as possible to feel good. And stay out of trouble of course. She knew about my problems but we havent been in touch lately. In her text messages Ive felt some anger which I dont like and try to avoid. I try not to argue with anyone and focus on the positive right now. I finally texted her about what happened through the last months and my depression of course. She was still very mean to me and Ive felt guilty about not seeing her since January. Ive explained that Ive worked abroad for a few months so I wasnt home and then since July Ive barely left my bed. When she still seemed to be resentful I just got angry too.
I deeply feel that I dont need to explain myself to anyone. I already suffer from lots of bad feelings and I dont need more of them. If someone wants to see me only when they feel bad and need comfort or when they are bored Im not interested. I know whos really supportive for me and I try to be helpful for those people as well. There are some people who I dont have any connection with anymore. But why would they tell me that Im a bad person? I feel guilty probably the most often right now. I feel guilty about my depression. I feel guilty about not working right now. I feel guilty about my suicide attempts. I feel guilty about my manic episodes. I feel guilty about money Ive lost. I feel guilty about so many opportunities Ive missed and wasted. I feel guilty about myself. Im not ashamed of sharing with people about having bipolar disorder but Im ashamed of myself in general.
Im not an egoist. I do as much as possible to be helpful. I take care of my parents house. Im cleaning and cooking. Im waking up early. Im walking my dog a few times a day. Im looking for a job. Im taking care of myself. Im seeing my psychiatrist and Im taking my meds. Am I doing something wrong?
Yes, I havent met with some people for long months. But I havent done it intentionally. I just wasnt able to meet anyone. Maybe Im an introvert. Maybe Ive never been very sociable. But I do my best. So dont charge me about being bad.
And you know what? Finally this friend wrote that she thought Im not meeting with her and we are not in touch anymore because I didnt like her anymore. Because shes a young mother right now. And she felt that shes not enough good for me. With baby carriage and dirty diapers. Of course I felt relief. Because I would never think about her like that. And Ive been very supportive through her pregnancy. Her baby hasnt changed anything. But for so long I had no idea why shes so mean, aggressive and angry. Because I cant read people minds. That took some time but now I know. And I think that our relationship will change for the better right now. Because we all have feelings.