Author: Mihali Mqushulu
Imagine this: you’re fresh from your psychiatrist office, still placing the plaguing thoughts in your mind that confirm a new life and identity — you have been diagnosed with manic depression. A few things then cognitively jump at you: Am I okay? Will I be able to handle this? Can I accept myself? But most importantly: “Who on earth do I tell?”
I think what most of us can agree on is how daunting this realization is. It’s a known fact that we live with one of the most stigmatized illnesses in the world. Our sanity and ability to make good decisions is constantly a topic, if not questioned by people who don’t have a clue as to how your mind works.
At first the adjustment is massive, mainly because before you gain acceptance from someone else, you must apply the notion to yourself. Acceptance comes in several steps and variations. We have been placed in a multitude of situations that force us to create a space of accepting any muddy pit we are thrown in. The road to is not and will never be linear. The work starts and doesn’t stop when it comes to giving yourself grace, especially when learning that your life is about to change due to a diagnosis. If that amount of effort must be applied towards oneself? How much more work is required for the next person to take the situation in stride?
A life of complete avoidance and secrecy: That was my very first instinct. A horrible thought, yet possible solution at the time. But it was driven by fear as well as a lack of understanding for the situation at hand. Once I grasped the courage to look in the mirror of vivid truth, I had to take a bold step and inform my circle. One’s circle is very easy to establish. The hard part is discerning the good from the bad. And extending a level of trust to the people that nourish and affirm you without inhibitions.
Your family, for one, is a decent starter. Upon establishing who sparked your fires and watered the plant that is you, before the diagnosis, you can quickly get into revealing your new reality. I won’t get into the negative side of it, because what needs to happen is you must focus on the outpouring unconditional love and support you receive. The thing is with people that truly value you, is that they will try to educate and understand the complexities that come and continue to unravel with bipolar. And that’s just that. The same process with friendships should then follow suit.
Romantic relationships, however, pose as the biggest challenge in navigating the highs and low of the illness. With any human being, the most common thing we have is how we present ourselves. No internal or external flaws, clean slated background and so-called perfection. We expect so much from ourselves that any speck of emotional imbalance sinks us almost immediately. The same expectation we have of ourselves, we then place on others. So, if your life is then centered around the new identity that is a mental condition, your first instinct is to panic and emotionally hibernate alongside the fear of being condemned. This is incredibly valid because of the high judgement we seem to face. When it comes to romantic relationships, it is imperative that the first cards placed on the table should have any and everything to do with transparency and communication. Now I’m not implying that you should disclose your diagnosis to every second person you interact with. But once characters are shown and you can establish who thrusts your worth and value into the pedestal it should stand on, it should be then a priority to communicate and educate your significant other about the comings and goings of your cognitive and emotional personality.
There are a lot of factors that create the success of a relationship with bipolar being a third wheel. For the person with the illness, accountability should be one of the main priorities. This took some getting used to when it comes to my own partnerships. Instead of taking accountability for my reactions, lack of honesty and emotional projection, I blamed exterior factors or worse, the person in front of me. The one thing I did not realize is that the toll it takes on me, could be affecting them twice as much, simply because they do not understand what it is I am going through. Accountability allows you to receive forgiveness and forgive yourself.
The magic in all of this is that you will learn to be graceful and careful with yourself. This attitude then stretches towards others, handling their hearts with care and vice versa. Before you know it, you have created and honed a village for yourself that lets you thrive, helping you to be steady, and again, allowing the flower that is you to flourish.
