Who I Am Now

It’s amazing to me to think that on November 1st of this year my ex-husband and I will have been split for 9 yrs. I think about the person I was back then and it terrifies me. I was so unstable, unsure of myself and had no direction in life.  I was in a dark hole and spiraling out of control. Sometimes I think back and I want to say, “I still can’t believe he cheated on me!” But our marriage was not a happy one.  We argued constantly.  I was not happy in my own skin. I was still undiagnosed and had no clue what was wrong with me.  All I knew is I felt like I was living a nightmare.  It just kept getting worse. 

When I left him (because I couldn’t live with his infidelity) it was the hardest thing I’d ever done. I loved this man more than I had ever loved another partner in my entire life. I was not prepared for the road ahead.  For the first year that followed our separation I was so wrapped up in my own grief and pain I couldn’t see the outside world or anyone else in it. I couldn’t even see the pain my own children were feeling. Finally I began to slowly crawl my way to the surface of my own bottomless pit and after another year I actually managed to find an inner peace that seemed to sustain me. In the nine years since our separation I’ve only tried to date once (and that was three years ago). It lasted about 6 months. 

The thing I have come to realize is, with my emotional problems (Bipolar Disorder & Anxiety) sometimes it’s easier to just be alone than try to deal with a relationship and the problems that always come up. I’ve realized I don’t like the person I become when I am in a relationship.  But I love the strong, independent person I am when I am just being me, free spirited and single. So I choose to be alone.  I’ve come so far in 9 years. No longer am I the unstable mess I once was. I am stable, in control, and for the most part loving life.  Instead of being sure my life is ending, every day I count my blessings. I am sure I am blessed with way more than I deserve but I am still grateful for what God has given me. I have two beautiful girls who love me unconditionally, I have a roof over my head and I am able to provide for my children. 

Some days are not easy.  Sometimes I’d still rather stay in bed than face what the day has in store for me, but my girls make every day worth living and God keeps blessing me. How can I just pull the covers over my head and turn a blind eye to a life like that? So what if I don’t have a partner. We can’t have it all. Besides I’m not dead yet and I’m not completely opposed to the idea. If and when the time is right I’m sure God will bring the right person along. There are many things I still want to accomplish in this life. I look back and I can’t believe how far I’ve come, but I have so much farther to go. 

Read the rest of Angel’s blogs for IBPF here or you can check out her personal blog here.

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